How Does the Online Idea Party Work?
You have a dream or a wish, and an obstacle to getting there. (If you don’t think you know your wish, work through my kick-starter and read this post. To learn why you must put logic aside to find your dream, read the following.)
The online Idea Party is here to help you – and the other fellow party goers – with your wishes and obstacles.
Voices from Success Teams and Idea Parties:
Having a team to report to and hearing what everybody did each week is very exciting. It’s kept me moving all year. In the past I made some good starts on my own, but found, every time, when the energy ran out, I ran out. Now it doesn’t run out.
Jade G.
Children’s Playroom Therapist, New York Hospital
I would do a painting a year, a sketch a year. If it was only me I know I would never do it. Having to tell you makes all the difference. It’s crazy why I didn’t do this years ago, it’s so easy all of a sudden.
Caroline R. Personnel Executive, Macy’s Dept Store
Post Your Wish and Your Obstacle Here!
And help your team mates out when you can. Use the Reply link to help, the form below the comments to add your own Wish and Obstacle.
(Your first comment below has to be approved, so it may not display instantly depending on the time of the day. Once your email address is approved you can post instantly. If you want your own profile photo to show up beside your comments, instead of the cute little design, upload your photo on Gravatar.com and give them an hour or so to make it happen.)
I accidently came across your book Refuse to Chose at our local library. I borrowed it and enjoying knowing myself. I am not sure if I was a scanner, but the book has to be read by everyone who is very busy being stuck with technology.
Technology gives us convenience of being in touch with social life and connect together all around the world but it takes a lot of time and energy to keep up with everything that goes on in our lives everyday. No wonder people are burned out.
Everyone can benefit from being organized.
Cheers
Yours Truly,
Tony Yalkezian
Hello!
I would love to make a living as a travel writer/blogger/photographer! Two years ago, I started a travel blog and enjoyed it immensely, but it was just for fun…and for the possibility of it growing into something more. I would love to get paid for what I enjoy doing, but the fear of failure sometimes stops me from moving forward and trying to take my blog to the next level.
A few months ago, I left my job in a company that had a very toxic, soul-sucking environment. The owner belittled her employees, cursed and became easily outraged at the slightest error. I would have left sooner if it wasn’t for the fact that we needed money, and the pay was pretty good. So I stuck with it, endured the negativity and lived with a cloud over my head.
I finally left, and now that I have time to focus on my dreams…I don’t, and I can’t understand why. I blame it on my last job & fear of being truly happy…sounds strange, but that’s my guess.
I’d appreciate to hear from anyone who can relate or who can provide some enlightenment! 🙂
Thank you!
I like to set up specific goals. The umbrella goal of ” Be professional person, earn money” is too vague. Start small, work for that. “I want 30 people to read a post I wrote” is more specific and achievable. Also, I read a long time ago about parents who want to transition their kids from school to homeschooling. The suggestion was to give the kids a couple of weeks to decompress and get used to the change. Don’t immediately expect them to know how to be homeschooled. Map out a clear break from the last experience and start the new one refreshed. I remembered that when I left my last job. I created a break, watched some TV, hung out with friends, etc. Now I’m tired of that freedom and I am excitedly planning and scheduling my days so that I can tune in to all my different talents and gifts. Go slow. It can be scary to learn to love your life and all that that entails. Sometimes I also think that my aversion to being happy relates to my limited belief that happiness means I have to work REALLY hard to get it and it will be exhausting. But that’s just something I tell myself to keep myself from moving forward. The universe wants you to have it all, and it’s not a bait and switch. You can go slow. You can pick and choose. It can be easy.
Here’s to you,
Becca
ello, Jen.
I can identify with your situation as I was in an exhausting soul-destroying job for the last few years of my working life. I longed for my freedom, and when we discussed retirement at work, I was the one who had no lack of things I would fill my life with. Well, now, here I am a few years later on Idea Party because I couldn’t get my new life off the ground. What went wrong?
I began by doing what Becca says above (and it’s very good advice initially I think) but I let it go on too long. I drifted and lost sight of my goals. I had lots of vague ideas but nothing concrete – and as someone whose life had been built around timetables, deadlines and targets, I really need them. It was like being set free from a cage and not knowing where or even how to fly. To fill the void, I’ve allowed in all sorts of drab ‘musts’ that I wouldn’t have filled my time with before – such as obsessing over the cleanliness of my home. keeping tight control over my finances and having to drive miles to buy fresh food etc. Please don’t get like me, Jen :).
Thanks to Barbara’s books and Hanging Out, I’ve been figuring out what I really want to do and am making some small progress towards doing it. You gotta have a Plan as the man says. 🙂
You want to write a travel blog so travel sounds like a good place for you to start. Perhaps take some time away from the environment where your employment made you unhappy. Think of yourself a little as moving towards your goal though so you don’t drift. In choosing your destination, you might want to consider the kind of people you want to reach with your blog. Are they going to be people who want to do a tour on a budget, people who are looking for unusual places or experiences, people who want to get away and wallow in luxurious accommodation etc. Planning a trip, or trips to the kind of places you want to write about will perhaps get you focused and excited. I wouldn’t think too much about the end product – writing the blog, how to finance it, how to drive traffic etc too much at this stage (unless you want too) because in my experience that’s the really daunting bit. I think you probably need to remind yourself why you really want to do this (for the joy of being a traveller rather than just avoiding being stuck in another dead-end job). When you get there, take lots of photos and make lots of notes, but seeing it through the eyes of your new audience, which is what professionals do I believe.
Once you focus on what is really motivating you, I think the ideas will start flowing and you’ll want to get out there and write about your experiences. Then you can start getting properly organised, scheduling your writing, doing the research and addressing the questions which might be worrying you now and preventing you from moving forward. You already have substantial experience which should stand you in good stead but if you want help with the practicalities, I am sure there are people on here who can give good information and advice.
I’m just beginning to understand that the important thing is to do what you love first and then get organised about doing it in a practical way so you can live your dream so I hope passing on the advice will help you too.
All the best
Jay
Correction: should have read “I began by doing what Becca says above by taking a break from my previous experience and just pottering about …”
Dear Jen,
I think you may be feeling insecure about working as a travel writer/photographer because what happens if that’s the only thing you’re doing and it dies on the vine when you’re trying to start it up, or it doesn’t work out. Am I right? To diminish such fear, I would suggest seeing if you can get a “good enough job” as Barbara suggests, and then do the travel writing as time for travel permits. I have been self-employed and this provided me time for travel, because I could manage my own contracts, and my own time, the way a typical full-time job wouldn’t let me do.
I need ideas for getting into fashion design without spending a fortune on training. Fashion design schools have incredibly inflated tuition. I’d like to spend exactly $0.00 as far as college education/training goes. Any ideas?
Search for MOOC fashion design in your favorite search engine for free courses from reputable universities. Then find a job working with fashion designers, doing whatever you are currently qualified to do. Wear what you have designed to work and volunteer for any project where designers who could become references for you are involved.
I did find a general design MOOC class – thank you for the advice!
As a person who loves fashion, but isn’t a professional, I just *do* it. I try stuff out, give it to friends, look at magazines, sketch, etc. I went to art school (expensive) and what I learned (aside from some techniques) is that the act of doing (and accepting that I won’t get it right the first several times) helped me get better. Lots of fashion designers didn’t go to school. And lots of books, videos, and generous people are out there to help with the specific things you want to learn. But most of all, try stuff out!
this is great advice – thank you! …I’d really like to break into the industry, but I’m not sure how to do that.
http://www.topuniversities.com/blog/careers-fashion-industry-how-get-started
While this is written for university students it seems, the advice could be applied to people who have already gotten a degree…online presence, internships, etc. This was just from a quick google search
Thanks! I read the article – it was very helpful. I googled fashion designers and the city where I live – I’m going to call and ask about any internship opportunities. Thank you.
Hello all! This is my first visit here.
I found Barbara’s book “Refuse to choose!” three days ago. When i read the title something klicked inside me…this was me! I bought the book and have read a bit. But mainly i have been thinking a lot about this epiphany of finding out that i might not be a complete failure after all and that there might be hope for me yet.
I am 46 and totally stuck in my life, i don’t know which way to move anymore. I have maneuvered myself into a complete standstill where all i do is take care of my girlfriend (she is the earner and i am at home without job) play some pc games, surf the net and read books. I am starting to get on my girlfriends nerves because i do not do anything and i cannot even blame her for this.
I have too many interests and do not want to choose between any of them:
– Sport (was a gymnast for over 25 years and was forced to stop at 30 due to injury because otherwise i would still be doing it)
-Singing (been singing all my life but almost only in the bathroom)
-Reading (i mainly read Sci-Fi because it has the greatest freedom in subject matter of all genres)
-Writing (I must have 20 to 30 notebooks full of my scriblings, sometimes good some bad, i also started a website 2 years ago, a site with my brain expressions)
-Sculpting (Learned how to sculpt in stone 20 years ago and i never seem to have the time or opportunity to do this anymore)
-Pinball (a true passion, played my first game when i was 6 or 7 and i play whenever i get a chance)
-Helping people (this i do whenever and wherever i can)
-Waking people up (i like to give people a different perspective on things even though it can shock them or even scare)
-Talking (If you let me i can talk for hours on most subjects but even more when it is a passion of mine)
There is more but i just realized that this comment is getting a bit long.
So my question to you is what do i do now? I have bought a new fancy notebook that will be my daybook, but sofar i have not written anything.
Thank you in advance for any advice or help
Curiosity and diversity to you all
Joost
Dear Joost,
The sculpting popped out at me in this list of things. I bet you could free up time for it if you were not spending an equal or greater amount of time at pinball, and putting the sculpting at the top of a priority list. I know this person who is an artist. He is what I call a multi-media artist. But he primarily sculpts. He carves in stone, bone, wood, and silver. And all of the things he does are because someone has commissioned him.
I think part of what is “hanging you up” is that you have not given the things you’re good at, like sculpting, writing, and singing, as much focus as you once gave gymnastics. Also, with that, you must’ve had a schedule. A framework. There were times, I imagine, for practice, and for supervised practice. I used to be a musician, and it is amazing how the parallels are between music and gymnastics. Both are creative, perfectionistic endeavors. They both work best when there is a framework. I used to have symphony rehearsals several times a week–I was playing in 3 symphony orchestras simultaneously, at one time, and at least two, throughout my career. I had private lessons on two different instruments to prepare for. And I was a university student, so I had classes to attend and study and prepare for as well. All this provided me with a framework–what Barbara calls the “framework of accountability.” So I suggest that you do several things:
1. Find a sculptor, or a school that teaches sculpting, that you can talk to you. Your aim in talking will be to find out how they got into it, how they get their contracts, etc. Get super curious about this, and develop a list of questions, and go ask.
2. Take classes, so that you get immersed in this new endeavor.
3. Get a good enough job, that subsidizes your interest.
4. After falling from a high place, there is unrequited grief and angst over it. It is easy to suppress this, and drift. I said I Used to be a musician! Something terrible happened to me too, and I quit being a musician. For 40 years! But the music is still all inside me. So now, I’m healing the heavy grief, and the music will flow again, in time.
You got pitched off the pinnacle when you had to give up gymnastics. There’s creativity in you, in other areas, but feels frozen. I’m serious about going after the grief that comes with having to give up such an important and creative part of yourself. I think it is freezing up your present efforts, so that drift is setting in. Take these steps, and it may save your relationship as well. Good luck, and I hope this helped.
I want to work in a job that brings my soul happiness, that has meaning, that is not in a cubicle and has flexible hours. I want time to volunteer with the community organizations I love. I look forward to brainstorming with people here!
So what do you love? That’s the rock bottom question. Identify that, and then you’ve come at least halfway there. When I was working at my own businesses, I could command my own schedule, to a degree, but not always. But I had more flexibility than if I worked for someone else. I worked at a cubicle job once. I lasted about a month. That’s when I quit and went to work in a place that had windows that looked out on a park!
Dear Sue,
I feel exactly the same about work and volunteering.
So what I did was that I thought about what I wanted and what I could try out, and then simply (now I can say that :)) started doing things this year.
For example: I went to a friends wedding in Spain, driving all the way from Germany down to Spain by car, despite people telling me and my boyfriends that we would be crazy. And guess what: We had the best vacation ever. My next decision was: I always wanted a dog so badly: Now we have a 9-year old dog from the animal shelter although my boyfriend and I work. The dog stays with my boyfriends’ parents during the day, and it works out just perfectly. The dog who had a super bad time in the animal shelter is all calm and settled now so that even my friends from the animal shelter can hardly believe it to be the same dog, my boyfriends’ mom who has Alzheimer is happy and so much more relaxed now, and sometimes you won’t realize how sick she is. Finally, of course I am more then happy as one of my dreams came true.
Energized by this success, I now took the second – what I consider to be – big decision and requested to work part-time for the period of one year in the company I work for (I work in Germany and luckily it is quite easy to change your working hours).
Before requesting it, my boyfriend and I talked a lot about the pros and cons and mostly about the money we would have less. But in the end, it will just work out fine as I will have to drive one day less to work and so save a lot on gasoline and there are many things I am more then willing to spend less for, for having more of the life I want to have. Now for the year to come, my plans are to spend more time with my dog, get better at what I love (photography), spend time as a volunteer at the animal shelter, but what is most important: I now have the time I need for myself to really think about what I want from and in life, especially job life. I realized I will never get there during my vacation, a day off, …
I hope this is at least of little help to you, and I wish you best of luck!
Hello!
I’m Claudia, i’m 33 (almost 34) and live in a small town in Austria. After my A-levels I studied economics and since I’ve finished, I’ve been working with the government in the little region I live. While reading the book of Barbara I found out, that I’m a so called ‘scanner’. I like a lot of things but only on the ‘surface’. When it goes deeper I’m losing the interest. My job is more or less ok, because I’m working as the chief-assistant and also have to lead my own team (five people). This means I have a lot of things to do and to organize. I like having things done and helping people doing their job well. I’m getting nervous when things take too long! Also I like the people I’m working with, espacially one, who helped me a lot in the past, when I had troubles.
On this point, I should tell you a little from my childhood. I’ve grown up with my little sister near a small town on the country, not far from the town, I’m living now. As my father worked in shifts I didn’t have much memories on him in my former childhood. My mother was a sociable person with a lot of friends. I can say that I had a lucky childhood since the day my mother died during a hiking trip in the mountains with my dad. From that day on, our life changed completely. I was nine years old, my little sister was seven. My dad didn’t want a lot of help with the household and with bringing us up. We didn’t talk much about what had happened, it hurted too much.
As growing up I was always told not making troubles and being a kind and helpful person, looking for my little sister. After some other strokes of fate (my granddad had cancer & my grandma is suffering from a heavy mental illness) I lost the ability to feel anything. I didn’t have any friends to talk about it and I didn’t feel well with my classmates. But Nevertheless I always had a very good and dearly relationship with my father and little sister. He cared very well about us.
After I had finished my studies I moved to the the little town I’m now working. i moved out, as I couldn’t stand the situation at home any longer. Now I live in a small flat. The first two years were really hard,and after a breakdown I made a psychotherapy which helped me assimilating the death of my mother. I learned to hear and feel again which made me happy, although it was and sometimes is still a very hard time.
My most secret dream is finding a boyfriend, moving to a house on the country (I love nature) having my own little family. But I still have some difficulties in living my life. I sometimes feel very lonely as I don’t have any friends.in the town I live. Sure, I have some friends but I always see them once in three or four months. I don’t have any regular social life. Most things I do, I do alone. And I like to add, that I’m a really active person. I do a lot of sports like running, hiking in the mountains, reading or just enjoying the nature. I’m a member of a fitness club… But all these things I do alone, or with my family, mostly with my father as my sister has her boyfriend. In his company i often still feel like a little girl needing is father who tells her what to do. I don’t like any group sport because i don’t want to depend on someone. I wish having my own social life, some friends to meet during the week, drinking some coffee and having a partner on my side.
On most days I come very well along with this situation. I like being for my own and caring for myself. Nevertheless there is something I miss.
My problem is, that as losing my mother too early I didn’t learn how to build up a social life. my father doesn’t need a lot of company. He never married again and he also don’t have friends. He cared about his daughters and his parents.
As I work in an office i try to spend my freetime outdoor. So I don’t like using the computer in my free time. I also don’t feel very well with online-dating. When I get depressed on the situation I try to concentate on things that I imagine I can change. I switch from activity to activity always searching for the thing that fascinates me more than a while. I tried out learning languages, dancing, yoga, pilates, acting… and always the same. After attending some hours I lost the interest. And I’m always afraid that while concentrating on the things I imagine I like, my true wishes won’t fulfill. That I will live a life my father live and that I will never find a partner for myself. I’m almost 34….
I also have to add that I don’t go out much. I don’t feel well while staying in a bar or so. My friends have their own families and interests and I don’t like spending my time in a bar standing alone while drinking a beer. I also think I’m afraid having fun and losing control over the situation. So I never get to know a lot of people, especially men. But I tell me that I don’t have to go out, as I like men who are sportive, and sportive men don’t waste their time in bars because they need their energy for doing some sport.
So my question is, what experiences you have with loneliness and how you handle it. Maybe you have some advice for me what to I can try out or do. Thank you so much!!
Claudia
Dear Claudia,
I’m an unemployed psychotherapist. And, right now, I’m going to hand you the same sort of advice in dealing with this situation that I would hand my clients, if I had any. I did not originate this advice. It comes from a person whom I consider to be the all-time expert on relationships, and on how to form good ones, Terence Gorski. He has written books on the subject, including one called “Getting Love Right” which probably is available on Amazon.
He says we are always in a relationship of some sort or another. He says that relationships go in stages. Stage 1 is with the people you bump elbows with on an everyday basis. Like the butcher, the baker, the librarian, the grocer, the car mechanic, etc. In Stage 1, really the only appropriate thing to do is say something like, “Hi, how are you? I’m fine.” That’s about all. Stage 2 is when you are engaged in some activity or other, which is a group activity. Like the hiking and mountaineering club I used to belong to. (Is there anything like that in your area that you might like to join?) In Stage 2, you’re in it for the activity, not because you’re there to meet people. You’re there for the enjoyment of the activity. In Stage 2, conversations are generally kept light, and kept to “What’s new that’s good.” This is about all that’s expected. And if you do meet someone, and you don’t see him or her for about a year, you’re not sorry, or pining away for the person. You’re there for the activity, not the person. So, in a year, you might say, “Oh, hi! It’s you again. How’s the wife? How are the kids? Oh, really, she graduated?” You get the idea. Light stuff but that still shows some interest.
Now, you may meet someone in Stage 2 who becomes really interested in you. And the interest is mutual. And so, that day, before the activity is over, you get their name and contact information and they get yours, because you have both mutually agreed that you want to stay in touch. And then you do. You may talk to them on the phone, go out to coffee together, possibly even go out to dinner together, because you want to be able to sit and talk. At this point, you’re obviously more interested in the person than the activity; the focus has shifted. The two of you are entering into Stage 3. Stage 3 could be a friend of the same gender, or opposite gender. Stage 3 takes time to build–up to a year. I met my hiking and backpacking buddy Karen this way, during a Winter Travel Course, in the mountaineering club. We were occupying the same igloo that we had built together, and next day, we were practicing avalanche rescue. Karen wanted to keep in touch, so we exchanged contact info, and it went from there. So Stage 3 can be with friends or with those who might become romantic partners. Finally, near the end of Stage 3, the two people test the relationship by “rattling all their skeletons,” which Karen and I did on one of our “You-Me backpacks” as we called some of our backpacking trips where just the two of us went into the wilderness.
The point being, that at some time or another, you are going to have to get past feeling that the other person is going to discover something ugly about you that will cause them to run screaming. You have to get past the fear that they will reject you and suddenly end the relationship. You will need to build trust to the point that both of you have enough strength and compassion so that you can fully accept the other, and won’t push the other person away, and end it suddenly. It was scary for Karen and I to rattle all our skeletons, but we both agreed that it was good that we did. And, it was a major step in the relationship. After one achieves that, then you have both built the relationship to the point where you can talk candidly about anything and everything, and be completely candid from then on, relaxed in the knowledge that you are accepted, and this friendship, from then on, is deep and genuine. Karen and I occupied the igloo in February of 1981 and we are still friends to this day, November 2013. That’s the way it goes in Stage 3, and that’s why, little by little, trust is built, and why it takes a year or more. Staying up until 4 in the morning, conducting huge discussions with someone whom you hope to become romantically entangled won’t cut it! That’s thinly disguised lust running amok, not good relationship building! You are going to need to see the other person in all their moods–from angry, to despairing, to troubled, to happy,–everything–and you know that you still love them, no matter what, and that they love you in all moods and situations too–and there’s no substitute for the timing and the development that’s involved.
Out of Stage 3, Stage 4 can possibly evolve, and that’s the romance stage. Stage 5, the last stage, is when the two people who were romantically involved in Stage 4 are now in a committed relationship, and they are also working together on the achievement of a mutually held dream.
I fully agree with you that on-line dating is no good, because you are not able to engage with that person on an activity-based level. Again, you need to be able to see them in all of their moods, and what better way than to be engaged in activities together. And you can’t hope to get to the depth and the candor that you can in person. You need to see them to even know who you are really talking to. And that means interacting with. Obviously, sitting in bars is an awful way to meet people! The cure for loneliness is to get into enjoyable activities that are interactional, where people have to interact, not just do the activity, and keep at it.
The trouble with this is that, as Gorski states, people want to start being romantic at Stage 1! How crazy, when you really think about it! And they’re not willing to fully develop as friends in Stage 3. But think of it! Thirty-two years later, and Karen and I are still friends. So there you are. Advice from this “shrink.” Good luck with it all, and I do hope that this is helpful.
Dear Mary Ann,
thanks so much for your advice! While reading your comment I often thought about similiar relationships in my past and obviously you’re right when writing about the five stages of relationships. It’s just the thing that sometimes I’m unpatient with myself and when it comes to this stage I want to change me and my situation at once. But, as we both know that won’t work. But after reading your comment I was able to calm down a little bit and reflect on my situation. I think it will help me a lot not to take everything too serious, be open-minded and to “play” a little bit more as Joel recommended. So I think that these will be my next challenges…
All the best for you! Claudia
Dear Claudia,
Thank you for sharing your story.
First of all, I would like to say, that you are not alone feeling lonely. It is probably more common, than you might think. So, the first thing I would encourage you to do, is to look for other people in your surroundings who also seem to be lonely. That way, you will realize that there are other persons in a similar situation as you. Also, when you have found such persons, why not introduce them to people, be kind to them, suggest you go and have a coffee and so on. I think you will experience lots of gratitude and it is also likely they will do the same for you.
In order to expand your social circle it might be an idea to look at online forums for social activities. Search for meetup.com,facebook groups, internations and other organizations that arrange activities on a regular basis.
You may be right that you can meet men during sport activities. But as you say, as long as you need to maintain the control over the situation, men might find you a bit difficult to approach and make friends with. (I know I would, at least. 🙂 )
A question. Do you act differently when/if you are abroad on for example a vacation? Sometimes, it can help to be in a totally new environment, where nobody knows you, and you can experiment with adopting new behaviors. do things differently. Play around a bit and see what it feels like.
Since you have read Barbara Shers books, I presume you know about the “scanner finish”? You loosing interest in your activities is not necessarily a bad thing. It could very well mean, that you learned/discovered enough about that particular subject to be satisfied.
Let me know if this helps, or if I can do anything else for you.
Kind Regards,
Joel Ring
Dear Joel,
Everything sounds really clear and logical to me while reading your comment. And of course you’re right: I act completely different while staying abroad. I think I’m more open-minded, more inquiring to new places. I often travel alone –> and I like it. But why is it so difficult to transfer the behavior and my positive attitude
to “normal” life? I sometimes think, two people are speaking and acting out of me…
Anyway, thanks for your good practical advice. I will definitely try if it will work out!
Thank you so much! Claudia
Hello Claudia,
I’m going to share 3 profound books with you.
The first is a MUST read to address your Mother’s passing and the consequences that have played out in your life.
1. The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson
(Abandonment.net- her great website)
2. Never Be Lonely Again: The Way Out of Emptiness, Isolation, and a Life Unfulfilled by Pat Love and Jon Carlson
3. Conscious Dating by David Steele
The first book on Abandonment will provide clear definitions and immediate relief from your feelings of confusion and pain you have felt your entire life but just could not get past. Western talk-talk therapy does not work for Abandonment issues. Most therapists don’t even know what Abandonment is. It’s “bottomless” and Susan Anderson has created a leading edge model and tools of recovery that work!!
The second book is so beautiful and practical and will address exactly what you are seeking.
The third book helps you get very clear on who you are and what you want and shows you how to the The Chooser and get clear on your personal requirements. David Steele has 4 categories of how/where to attract/Choose someone. It’s really in the 4th category where we have our greatest chances – doing what we love.
First things first though. Go get the Abandonment book NOW! You need immediate relief from your lifelong pain.
ps. I speak from experience. I’ve been on a 10 month journey of my own healing/pain/rebirth from a lifetime of terrible hidden and unhidden pain. I wouldn’t change it for the world though. Please keep me posted on your progress. p.s. If you have Meetup groups (Meetup.com) in your area, it’s the greatest way these days to connect as you are healing. I go to hiking, dancing, volunteering, singing, etc etc Meetup groups – they have saved my life during this painful/joyous time of self discovery. Blessings to you on your journey, Love, Adele
Thanks so much Adele for sharing the three books with me! The titles sound really interesting, thanks.
A lot of readings and work to do, one step after the other…but I hope I can handle it…
Claudia
Dear Jay,
If you want to learn more about Native American history and culture, there are many book resources I can suggest, but they’re not readily at hand, even though, ironically, I’m sitting here typing in the library! A good bit of the reason why my bowing, groaning bookshelves at home are that way is because of my collection of Native American books. Next time I’m back at a computer, in about a week or 2 (I’m housesitting for 10 days) then I’ll come prepared with a list, and at that time, I’ll also be able to tell you how I got deeply into the spiritual end of the culture! I was born into it, and got the moral teachings growing up, but this will be a good sharing. I’ll get some book titles. As to Native history goes, it was very bloody and godawful. Suffice to say that there were 3 million tribes when Columbus came, and today, there are fewer than 600. We’ve been wiped out by warfare and greed, and by deliberately inflicting disease (smallpox-infested blankets were deliberately given to Indians as trade goods. The Whites knew all the time that the Indians had no resistance at all to the disease.) The U.S. government has declared some tribes “dead,” have broken 400 treaties, and there is much more.
However, this was from 1492 to the end of the 1800’s, and on into the 1960’s, when the oppressive Boarding Schools were abolished. They were not abolished in Canada until the 1990’s.
There is a New Time dawning now. Native values are coming into their own. Non-native people, here and in Europe, want to know about culture. I have completed my mailing list for the newsletter, and so now have the job of putting together the first edition. It will go out by postal mail, and not electronically. It will be about Native Values, and it will start out being the expression of this Metisse Grandmother.
I’d like to see your list, Mary Ann, though I don’t know how much will be available at my library. My general ignorance about cultures other than European is one of the things I hope to rectify during my old age.
Jay
Well, I just went to the dentist today, and I had to have a tooth out. So I’m sitting here, at the library, drunk on novocaine, (it always makes me drunk) and I still don’t have the list. I also just lost a friend, and I just found out about her death two nights ago, when I was triumphantly calling a friend of mine with good news. And she gave me the news that a mutual friend has just died. So, I won’t be around until at least the 12th of November. But, I’ll have some resources from my burgeoning shelves. In this country, we have Interlibrary Loan service, where you can get a book from any library at all, within the country, or at least within the region, over a wide region. It’s a wonderful service. Do you have something like that? Amazon is an amazing resource, as well.
Hi Mary Ann,
It’s always a dreadful thing to lose a friend and I’m sorry to hear about yours. I understand you won’t be around for a while, and though I’m interested in pursuing the subject of North American (as well as other) cultural history, there’s no great urgency, so don’t worry. Our libraries are under the control of local authorities and with funds being heavily cut, branches shutting and all kinds of services being axed with no real overall policy, it’s all a bit complicated at the moment. I’ve just done an online search of our county’s collection and there are one or two which look promising so maybe I could begin there.
Best wishes
Jay
Dear Nina,
I loved reading your post about living and working in SA. As a South African, I can totally understand your attraction to this wonderful country. It draws people in and holds them, with it’s beauty and passion.
There are so many volunteer opportunities here. You should perhaps get hold of some NGOs that you think might suit your interests and offer to work as a ‘volunteer’, most will properly pay you a small stipend and provide you with accommodation. I work for an NGO and we have had several people from overseas volunteer. If you prove yourself they might offer you something more permanent, it also gives you an opportunity to network with other NGOs.
There are lots of NGOs that do nature conservation and projects similar to that. You could start by going to SANGONET – a SA NGO portal. You might also look for educational NGOs, that work with children and environmental education, with your studies in education this might be a good fit.
There really are endless opportunities here. Wishing you good luck in your pursuit. They say once you have Africa in your blood you can’t ever get it out!
Dear Clare
You made me smile. Yes , SA is like a virus. I feel deeply connected to this country.
Thank you for the information about NGOs. I will check it out and hopefully it will open a new door.
Are you working out in the bush or at a farm? Do you know whether the head quarters of these NGOs are in cities or whether there are any offices in remote location? That is another field where I could work and maybe they need someone who can fluently speak and write English, French and German.
I will see what I can find.
Baie dankie Clare!! Geniet die dag en alles van die beste!
Hi Nina
Here are some volunteering opportunities in South Africa
http://www.workaway.info/hostlist-ZA.html
http://www.helpx.net/hostlist.asp?host_region=949&network=9
Thanks a lot!! If only I could permanently work at such a place! It sounds wonderful.
Hello to you all out there!
I am a 27-year-old girl from Germany and my biggest wish is to live in South Africa, close to or in the bush. After my A-levels I studied education for primary schools but realised, that I am not good with children. Nevertheless I finished my studies in order to obtain a degree. I got a depression and when I was almost alright again I decided to go to South Africa and volunteer at a lion farm. My feet touched the warm red sand on a lovely Sunday morning, I could hear the lions’ roar and I felt at home. I could work with my hands, learn about wildlife and environment, get to know people from all over the world and also my big love.I decided to do a so-called FGASA Level I course in South Africa to become field and nature guide. It was so interesting! In the end, I could identify 54 birds by their call, 65 trees and over 30 grasses. I drove the big safari vehicle and could wear an uniform, these cool khaki shorts and blouses you know.I also met this young ranger from the lion farm again and we fell in love. We spent 3 months together, worked at a wildlife sanctuary and had so many plans. He promised such a lot things. He wanted to marry me, he said everything was about me. When my tourist visa elapsed, we did not have enough time anymore to submit the application for a life partnership and I had to leave the country. My boyfriend decided to spend three months in the Netherlands to work at a friend’s farm. We wanted to see each other every three weeks.After 5 weeks I saw pictures of him and a Dutch girl, which he got to know during his first stay there, on facebook. After a while he changed his status in facebook: relationship. (To me he always said he was afraid to commit…). This girl got pregnant and now there are a happy family, living on a reserve in South Africa in the bush close to a river. This was my and his dream. Now she is living my life.
I tried to commit suicide the day before my 27thbirthday and my family brought me to a clinic where I spent the next three months. I still have to take medicine.Currently I am attending a school for foreign languages to become multi-lingual management assistant (English and French). I am going to graduate in July 2014. I needed a proper degree because my education studies are nothing without the second term of training at schools which I had not started. So I decided for this new training in the hope that I would have better chances in South Africa.When I have free time I apply for every single job advertisement I can find, but the work permit is the big problem.
To obtain the work permit, I need an employer who definitely offers me a job. But most of the employers demand for a work permit before they employ people at all. I contacted an immigration agency and they will help me to obtain a work permit – if I have a job offer.So you see this is a vicious circle.
I feel like my life is totally senseless. My father wants me to finish the primary school training to become public official in Germany. My mother says that Africa brought nothing than problems to me. I should rather be happy with my life and that I have a bed and food. My friends cannot understand why I want to live in South Africa and my trainers say I should keep all doors open, “how about working in an office in Cape Town?”Wow.
I just want to be in a reserve again. Living in a nice African cottage with a thatchroof, listening to the animals, working with people who share my passion for wildlife and nature, designing short stories about our latest spot, explaining the bush to guests and volunteers, helping injured animals, supporting wildlife protection and education, taking photos, doing research… These are my talents. Writing, drawing, design, photography, handicraft, creating books.I am not this kind of office woman who walks with a suit through those grey corridors, carrying some files and taking part in conferences. To be honest with you, I do not like talking so much but I enjoy company. Just like it was at the farms in South Africa when we were sitting around the fire…
As a field guide I have to get up very early in the mornings and take guests on game drives for a few hours. As a lodge manager I have to stay awake until the last guest goes to bed. Both field guide and lodge manager are not the perfect job for me. I realised this when I was reading your book WISHCRAFT. But I know that I need this environment to be happy. I need the silence of the bush and the infinitely wide view. I would love to get to know another South African man who really loves me and shares this passion with me. The ranger mentioned above and I, we were like people who are kindred spirits. We shared everything. Passion for wildlife and nature, music, fitness, knowledge, philosophy. And I lost everything.
What kind of job is right for me? How do I obtain a work permit? Where should I start? I have a bit of money saved, but it is really my LAST money.Some Christian people even said to me I was cursed and God has a better plan for me. Africa is not meant to be.
Or should I stay in Germany, become teacher, build a house, get two children and buy a dog? Is that me? Maybe I do not really know me and this is the truth. Seriously, is there a chance that I can be happy again one day?All the best for you and thank you very much for your time.I would be pleased to hear from you.Nina
Hi Nina,
I feel compelled to respond to your post even though I may not be able to respond to all of it right now (due to time constraints.) So maybe I’ll respond to part of it then write more later.
First, I’ve experienced unrequited love too (and more than once.) I don’t think you had bad luck in South Africa at all. The fact that you fell in love there indicates you were in the right place. Don’t worry so much about the relationship not working out. That’s typical. We go through a lot of relationships before we find the right one. Think of it as a learning experience. It takes time to find the right guy. Meanwhile, we date other people, fall in love again, find out it doesn’t work out, look for another guy who has the qualities we liked but doesn’t have the qualities we dislike and we hope to learn from our previous experiences. He wasn’t the right guy for you. That’s why he wasn’t ready to commit. Maybe someday you could be friends though. Friendships are very important. Wish him luck with his new life and keep him as an acquaintance if you can because maybe he knows someone who can help you come back to Africa. If he knows you’ve accepted his new relationship and aren’t interested in dating him anymore, he might be open to helping you find work in S.Africa again.
They say, “love is blind,” because when we fall in love we don’t see the other person clearly at all. Fact is, we can’t know everything about another person, so we project qualities onto him that he may not even have. We ‘connect the dots’ and draw an image of the person that we’d like to see. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that he probably isn’t the guy you think he is. Even though you had a lot in common, he said he loved you, etc., there were things you did not have in common. But when we’re in love we don’t see that. It’s good that you found this out before marrying him.
I fall in love way too deeply and usually with the wrong guy because I just project all these qualities onto him that he doesn’t really have and I refuse to see the reality because I enjoy being in love so much that I don’t want it to end.
However, I’ve also noticed that I only fell in love at times in my life when I was doing what I loved–a clear indication that doing what we love leads us to finding love from other people. The problem was that I tried to hold onto relationships when they clearly were not meant to be. We can fall in love and have a great time with someone else only to discover he wasn’t the “right” person. But that’s okay. It’s all good because it’s a learning experience. It’s a chance for us to find out what we really need from another person, what qualities we’re looking for/not looking for. Some people were just meant to be good friends or acquaintances and we can learn from them. The person who was meant to be our husband or long-term lover is very special and not easy to find. But we can have great time while we’re looking.
But if we keep focusing on one specific person then we might prevent the person who we were meant to be with from recognizing us and falling in love with us. It’s hard to let go of the past but it can be done.(I’m speaking from experience, unfortunately.)
My humble opinion is: follow your dream to live in South Africa and don’t worry so much about finding a boyfriend. The right guy will come along naturally if you don’t NEED it to happen so much. Relax and be yourself. Follow your dream and do what you love. That will make you happier and more attractive, and you’ll find people who’ll love you back. And if you have the courage to be yourself and remain true to yourself, they’ll love you for who you really are (not who they want you to be.) I get depressed over my financial situation, so I know how it is to be depressed. It is important to nurture yourself when you’re hurting inside. If you’ve attempted suicide then it’s especially important for you to be kind to yourself and to do what you love. Don’t give up. It’s your life, after all, and only you have to live it. Other people care about you but they don’t know you completely (just like you didn’t know the guy you met in South Africa as well as you’d thought.) Often your parents, friends, etc., are projecting onto you what they want for themselves.
It sounds like you do know yourself and what you want. But do you have the courage to stand up for yourself and go for it regardless of what anyone else thinks? Do you have the courage to be yourself?
Maybe there’s another volunteer gig you could get in South Africa. Maybe the people you met in So. Africa will have some contacts or ideas for you. I know there’s a way for you to get what you want because you already did it. You already found a way to live in So. Africa and you’ll find a way to do it again.
Okay, so I ended up taking the time to write it all. I hope something I said helped in some way.
Dear Meri
Thank you so much for your reply. I think you are right and I really projected qualities onto him he did not have at all. Maybe I wished him to be like this because the rest was perfect and I did not want it to end. In this respect we have something in common. I thought I would know him, he always was honest and told me a lot about his childhood and personality. He was like a king sitting on his throne, I loved everything about him. Even when he did not treat me in a good manner sometimes.
I am doing better now but the only thing that is still hurting so much is the fact that he loves her and committed and does everything for her even though he had said to me he could never imagine to be with her.
I try to live with your words. It was not meant to be.
I need to develop self-assurance and strength again so that I will be able to take part in another voluntary project again. I hope so.
I could also start as an agent in a call centre in Cape Town for the first. Maybe it is a chance to get connections and spend the weekends in the bush- although I hate offices. I am just not brave enough at the moment to live alone in this big city full of crime. Where and how do I get a flat? … The bush is my home. I am convinced of that. And not because he loved it so much. I wished to live with him in the bush, he was kind of a hero for me, the strong man who protects you and cares for you. But maybe I find Mr Right one day.
Big hug!
Hey Nina,
There’s another comment for you that was accidentally posted as a comment for Jay. If you scroll down a few comments you’ll see it.
I think your fascination with living in Africa is really amazing. It makes you an interesting person. Maybe someday you’ll write a book about your adventures.
I don’t know much about how to live and work in Africa I’m afraid but I do know a bit about unrequited love. I believe you will find Mr. Right someday but probably when you aren’t looking. Perhaps you can get very busy right now working on doing the things you love to do and take your mind off of him. Try to not think of him and just focus on other things. Eventually, he’ll become a distant memory so you can move on to bigger and better things.
Thank you. I hope you will also find the one for you. All the best wishes!!
Nina, I can’t help at all on your getting to South Africa only send you good wishes and luck, but I can say as an elderly woman who’s been through all the ups and downs of love and watched friends and family do the same over a lifetime, I second everything Meri has said to you about love and friendship. Many years ago, I worked as a divorce lawyer (gave it up because it was just too distressing) and listened to many unhappy people explaining how they had been so in love and their partner had seemed like the perfect and only one when they married but after marriage things had totally changed and the wonderful spouse had become completely different to them or at worst a monster. Of course not all marriages turn out like that, thankfully, but a significant number do and I’m saying this to make the point that it’s usually far better – albeit painful enough – to find out you’re unsuited before you marry than after. We all learn and grow through such painful experiences as well as more delightful ones and I’m willing to bet when you get to my age or even long before, you’ll be looking back and laughing (or at least smiling ruefully) at what you once thought was the love of your life you couldn’t live without.
Concentrate on your African dream and let love take care of itself, would be my advice.
Best wishes
Jay
Dear Jay,
I am responding to your October 25 post here because there was no reply button below it. Yes, some right-wing fascist creeps tried to force their own political agenda, but they didn’t win. However, they are still hiding in the bushes, so to speak, and we anticipate getting dragged through this again by February. Trouble is brewing for the world, not just this country, that is for sure. There will be big changes. There are always, when things of this magnitude happens. I tell people, “There is a dead limb breaking off the Tree of Life, but there is still a Tree of Life. There is a Lakota friend of mine who went fishing recently and caught a 40-pound Coho and a 16-pound Steelhead. (Two types of salmon.) Now this guy understands about the Tree of Life! And he’s still going fishing!
I don’t wake up and wonder what I’m going to do on a given day, because I have my organizational strategies all laid out, thanks to my American Indian heritage and my white Amish ancestors. First, there are the first four steps of the Elizabeth Taylor Emergency Cleanup: Shut doors and drawers, remove debris, pile dishes in the sink as if you intended to wash them, and make the bed. Whew! Then one weekly: “Monday, wash, Tuesday, iron, Wednesday, mend, Thursday market (paperwork and errands) Friday, clean, and Saturday bake (care of car and yard work instead!). ” That takes up the morning. Then, afternoons, the library is open, and I am down here pounding away on the computer. That’s the time for the job hunt, done almost completely on-line these days, and HO, and any other computerish type business. Until 5 p.m. Then, it’s time for home, a walk before dark, and evenings are either devoted to music, emotional healing, or ceremony, or spiritual work. That goes on Tuesday through Saturday. Sunday is more of a goof-off day, with prayer, exercise, meditation, and ceremony being highlighted, along with favorite British dramas on TV and music. Monday is my day to devote to the creation of my newsletter, and other writing projects, which are going to intensify. Monday the library is closed, so no computer work. Mornings are for the Physical, afternoons are for Right Livelihood, and evenings are either for the Emotional or the Spiritual. Or the Musical. That’s how we divide the great Wheel of Life–physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. A wheel can be a year, a 24-hour clock, one moon cycle, or a lifetime. This comes in handy for plotting organization without having to use a plotter. I store all my recyclables in a large black plastic garbage bag, a stack for the newspapers, and a large paper grocery bag by the kitchen stove where tin cans and glassware and aluminum go until I can take them to Taos and get rid of them.
Yes, there is a very special reason (and several more!) why this Center for Indigenous Wisdom is going to be in Canada. Yes, there’s lots of detritus in the way, but I keep trying to clear the deck. No, my Native heritage derives from what is now the Eastern Seaboard of the U.S. someplace; great gramma, a full-blooded Native person of some sort was born in Sarasota Florida in 1853 but that doesn’t mean that she was Seminole–a lot of people were being kicked and dragged around and imprisoned in those times. More genealogical research required. So far, all I’ve found out is that it isn’t Cherokee or Creek/Choctaw.
Hi Mary Ann,
Regarding organisation:
I have adapted Elizabeth Taylor for daily use and stuck it up on my bedroom door where I can see it. It now only remains to incorporate it into my daily routine.
I don’t have the spiritual or other structure which gives focus to your activities. I think that’s what has been wrong since I retired and lost the structure of the working week/semester which used to focus my efforts.
I’ve tried to solve the problem of visually tracking my projects by breaking down my goals for each into small steps and putting them up on side-by-side to-do lists with check boxes. That way I can see at a glance every day where I have made progress and what I need to give priority to next day. Hope it works.
I’ve also composed a ‘Hate to Do’ list for things I’ve been avoiding and will select one to do every day, and a ‘Play List’ which is things I enjoy but haven’t been allowing myself because they don’t have any particular outcome, such as doing a digital painting or sketching my dog. I plan to do one of those every day too to get into the habit of playing again.
Your ancestry sounds very interesting and must be fun to research, though perhaps also a bit disturbing if things were as you say.
Now on to my Cleanup. Have a good week.
Best wishes
Jay
I think you DO know you! You have just written eloquently about your passion for working in the African bush, and being a naturalist there. How can anyone else know what your God-intended Purpose is? The answer is, they can’t, and it really isn’t even any of their business to criticize this.
Your talents and your passion point the way, just as surely as a sign at a crossroads. Staying in Germany and conforming to the mainstream sounds like giving up, does it not? Caving in to conformity being more or less thrust upon you? We are here to be your supporters, to help you get what YOU want!
You got to Africa the first time and did it the first time. I confess that I know little to nothing about the intricacies of immigration and international work permits. But, is there a possibility that you could go at it again the way you did at first, and basically repeat the process? You volunteered the first time. If you were able to volunteer the second time, might they see how great you are, and then give you a job offer, or at least say, “We would like to hire you, if only you had a work permit”??? That’s your job offer! Then you run, don’t walk, run, to the immigration people and tell them that you need the work permit because you have someone wanting to hire you! I think this might help to end the vicious and crazymaking circle.
I hope this has been of help.
It is so great to get support here and read all these nice words. Maybe I really should do it a second time. I asked the owner of the lion farm several times to give me a chance and a job but I have never received a reponse.Maybe because my exboyfriend’s best friends also work there. But I could go there again and try to speak with him. Or at another farm when volunteering.
I just do not know whether I should apply for an office job in Cape Town in order to be back in the country for the first and see how it works out, or to volunteer and hope that someone offers me a job.
What would you do?
I would just as soon volunteer where you want to work for a while, and then ask for a job there. The office thing would get you into the country, but the work would be off track compared to what you really want to be doing. And an office job deadens a naturalist’s soul. I know–I was a park ranger once!
P.S: AAAGGGGHHH! Computers, beschmuters! The post ended up in the wrong place. This was an answer to Nina, above.
Dear Jay,
My ancestry is a pain in the neck to research, because for the most part, records are missing or were never in existence in the first place. Things that White people can rely on, like church records, ship’s passenger lists, and census records, and even records of vital statistics, don’t even apply. And for us, such records never existed, unless we totally got absorbed into the white man’s culture. It’s hard, not knowing up to 1/4 of your identity. And I may never know. I’m just glad that I have the Good Red Road, which is our spiritual way of life.
The Great Wheel of life can be applied by anybody who wants to apply it. That’s the good thing about our teachings. They are not exclusive to us. Basically, there are 16 waking hours in the day, and things get a little bit bollixed up because meal times and cleanup have to be fitted in somehow. But, the first part of the day is the Physical, the part after lunch is the Mental (Right Livelihood), and what I do with the rest is that after supper is either Emotional, or Spiritual, or, for me, Musical.
Because I have to deal with a lot of governmental agencies, and because they are so nasty and so perverse, I get up in the morning and deal with them head on, beginning at 8:00 a.m. Any phone calls to beaurocracies (or however it’s spelled!!) get made from 8:00 a.m. on.
Another Native principle: If you have an issue with someone, don’t let it fester. Deal with it within 24 hours, and speak for understanding, not win, lose, or draw. Because if you do that, all you have is two losers. And I simply think this is good sound advice for anyone, anytime. If I had a “Hate to do list,” this is what would be on it! And, I have the comforting knowledge that, at the stroke of 12, it would all be over for the day, at least, and I could spend the afternoon trying to develop Right Livelihood.
You are so right! We certainly do need structure, or we’re lost, and then things tend to fall apart. I love the idea of a Play List. I just hope the lists work and don’t become burdens in and of themselves. In the past, when I’ve tried things like check lists, then I get to feeling bad because I didn’t accomplish everything on my to do list! Sigh!
P.S: Things in the 1830’s to 1890’s were a lot worse than I say. What affected the Eastern tribes the most was President Andrew Jackson’s Removal Proclamation of 1830. The southeastern tribes were all removed from their lands and forced to march to Oklahoma on the Trail of Tears. This was a forced march which took place in winter, and without adequate food or provisions. People were mostly settled farmers who lived as the Whites did, and were driven from their homes. They could take only what they could carry. Resistance brought about murder, usually done in front of the family. This was true for the Cherokee, and other Southeastern Tribes had to face the same thing at different time periods. Entire groups were rounded up and imprisoned for long stretches of years in military forts, too. That’s why, even though great gramma was born in Sarasota, Florida, in the heart of Seminole country, does not necessarily mean that she was Seminole.
The way I have been investigating things, because the lack of conventional records, is to approach native speakers of various languages, and to ask if her name is a surname in their language. This helps, when records are missing or non-existent. I’ve been able to narrow it down considerably that way, but have not yet arrived at the truth. And I may never.
This makes dreadful reading. It must be very distressing to research it at times. Very rewarding though perhaps because you are making sure your ancestors are not forgotten.
My difficulties with researching ancestry are the opposite. Mine were millworkers, labourers and lacemakers and we have very common names on both sides of the family. There are potentially hundreds of them and so many records it’s almost impossible to narrow it down without spending a fortune with one of these online records people to actually see individual records, so I’ve had to abandon it. So far as I can establish though, it’s basically English working class going back centuries. They were very poor and treated pretty rotten, but probably not as bad as the things you describe here. I must confess I am pretty ignorant about Native American history and culture and is something I would like to learn more about.
Jay