Hi All.
It’s Wednesday and the beginning of some new stuff:
Now we shift in Hanging Out, but just a little. We started out your Identity Exercises by focusing on senses and feelings, avoiding completely the pressure we all feel regarding achievement . You might call that the ‘Waking Up’ element in Hanging Out with Barbara Sher.
Then you took a look at your own history, or ‘Who You Are.’ (Well, you played a bit with the notion that there were lots of options about who you might have been; just loosened up your thinking about who you became. (With the Lying Game Family.)
We won’t let go of either the Waking Up or Who You Are elements. They’ll be showing up for the whole year, because you must always be reminded that, first before all, you are alive, and one of a kind.
Now I’d like to start looking at stories about some people who used interesting ways to get what they wanted. This is what I call ‘The Reality Series,’ because, when it comes to systems (like Hanging Out with me) that claim they’ll help you design a great life, talk is cheap.
The question to ask is this: Did anyone real Hang Out with me (or my work) and actually achieve a good life as a result?
They did, and they wrote me letters. (Thousands of them!) You’ll be seeing one or two from time to time.
Today’s letter is the first. It’s about someone who read one of my books or came to one of my workshops and decided to stop waiting for credentials or training. Instead, she just started where she was.
It’s fun to read. The letters I get are always full of feeling and often, fun. In addition, I’m hoping her description of how she got the work she loved will give you some ideas you can use. I’ve given you an exercise so you can really give her method some thought. Try it out.
So, here’s today’s Identity Exercise. It’s in two parts:
First, read this letter I got recently.
Then write the same letter, but replace it with something you’d like to do. Don’t worry about how it turns out and don’t demand that the result is your ‘dream job.’ In fact, write as many of these letters as you like. Their purpose is only to see what new kind of thinking you come up with:
Hi Barbara
I decided to take your advice and started doing my dream job informally, without pay.
Just for fun, I started a program at my kids’ school that focused on the talents of the mothers. Once a month, a mom would share her unique talent with the other mothers. It allowed the moms to see what others did in their “spare time” and helped them see the many possible careers there were available to stay-at-home Moms. I was absolutely floored by all the talented women! Many wanted to work part-time, but were unsure of how to start, or afraid to take the plunge. Some of the women came to me and asked me if I would teach them how to get started.
So I taught an informal class on how to work from home. This evolved into a class at our University. From there, doors just seemed to open up! It has been very exciting and fulfilling! I now get to use my analytical skills (strategic planning) with a group (primarily stay-at-home Moms) that I relate to. I have individual clients who need help figuring out how to work from home, as well as businesses who would like to help their company and employees benefit from “working-from-home” arrangements. I get to travel to conduct seminars, but most importantly, I get to work from home too!
KJ, Des Moines, IA
Now, pretend the same thing happened to you and rewrite her letter, but replace her words with something that interests you. Try to write fast, without thinking too much. See where the story takes you. (You can do this exercise a number of times, using a different story each time.)
For example:
Just for fun, I started a program at my local community center / hospital day room / office in the lunchroom / church / film dept of a local college that focused on the talents / hobbies / dreams / math skills of the members / visitors / co-workers / parents of school kids / film students, etc.
See what you come up with.
Can’t wait to see your comments.
I am sorting out my gazillion pictures today …
AMAZING what I am finding. It’s one thing to remember it, know it, another thing to SEE it.
I currently am going through my pictures from a couple months back when I was working to create recipes and document them – take pictures, write recipes. , include nutritional information, do the whole make it veg, make it vegan versions – It was a good plan but it’s a balance between doing the recipes & posting them plus other demands …
At any rate, WOW, these pictures are amazing, and I am getting so hungry and drooling over them! LOL!!
The broccoli looks so perfectly steamed, the mushrooms so perfectly cooked … 🙂
I may not be able to do everything I want to do right now, but I can take steps over time!!! And wow, these recipes look delicious, I’m motivating myself just looking at the pictures. 🙂
And also I am reminded that my food choices used to be so limited and over the years I have expanded them so much.
Oh yeah, I planned to include low carb versions as well. 🙂
And I am reminded that it’s no small talent to be able to take photos of food that make your mouth water. Are they really that good or do you just have a good memory? I have a hunch it’s the first. Tell the truth, now.
Well I admit my pictures aren’t superbly prime time ready with all the fluffing and primping and artificiality required of ads, but I think they are good. Some pictures were just this is how you do this, some were just food, but others really made my mouth water. I am having computer issues (my laptop amd external keyboard refuse to accept any typing). When I fix that I will post a few pictures and you can tell me what you think.
And honestly …. After living in New York, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Dallas … My idea of good food is different from some, after living here for years and eating at “the best restaurants” I have an increased confidence in my own food. Many people have told me that I should open a restaurant &/or that my food is better than restaurant food.
I would not want to open a restaurant and I am in no means a chef, but I know for certain my recipes are better than most within a 150 mile radius.
It’s actually frustrating …days I don’t want to cook and want to call in delivery … But I know whatever I order will … Shall we say … Not be invigorating. Sonetimes I just don’t want to cook but I have no options here.
Read about Abraham Hicks and the vortex. Looking more inwards and for a theme in what I did that I enjoyed.
Eric -Keep looking. It is there. Remember when you were a kid. I bet you didn’t hesitate to grab that cookie or ice cream. You knew what you loved and went after it. No Woody Allen doubt-“Do I really like cookies?” “Should I like cookies? Maybe people will get mad at me if I like cookies.”
No-you just went after that cookie.
Athena-Makes me hungry!
So cooking is one of your different loves, and documentation and photographs … 🙂 As Barbara said in Refuse to Choose (misquoting from my memory) – isn’t it fantastic you can have so much fun with what you’ve got between your ears? Here: Brain AND mouth! 🙂 Go ahead. Every little step counts and can lead somewhere now or later.
Athena,
The biggest plus that I get from this post of yours is I can feel your enthusiasm, see the pictures in my mind’s eye and almost taste the foods you are preparing. Are you planning a cook book publishing?
BLESS BLESS!
Krystalargo
This is to Athena ( sorry, it’s run out of thread reply space)
Re: your comment below: so how many days on this routine before rebalancing?
“Alternatively:
No drugs/alcohol
Eat walnuts
Eat oatmeal
Add Celtic Sea Salt to every meal
Drink 8 oz San Pelligrino water 2-3 times a day
Eat omegas every day … be that plant or veg based, there are many, Omega 3, 6, 9”
I honestly don’t know. I’ve been doing this so long now I can’t say.
Johanna,
I used to feel as you did, but I have changed my life so that I spend less to no time with people with whom I must guard my tongue, and more time just by myself or with people with whom I can not only freely be myself but with whom there is mutual upliftment, such as here in Hanging Out.
With the right people there is no room for guilt or tears.
Mutual upliftment, that’s how good relationships should be! Thank you for pointing out how important consequent self protection is. “Better of without it” than risking unnecessary and unhelpful hurt, is that what you say.
I’ve found relationships are complex … as I am. Sometimes people don’t have to say much to trigger something in me. I take those old feelings with me wherever I go. And I can say difficult lines, too, without intending it.
On the one hand I’m getting more immune against certain comments while working on my feelings. And I’m working at my communicational skills.
On the other I don’t have energy left to give to everybody without adding to a really worthy relationship of mutual support. So thanks for your hint.
Yes. While on the one hand sometimes I feel lonely, it is much less draining to be by myself than have to constrict myself so much in order to be with certain others. I find that not only draining and demoralizing, but the tension of holding myself back gives me bad headaches. And the recovery from that takes up my precious play / dabble time.
I am getting better about being joyful all by myself, but sometimes I do miss people. It’s funny you post today after yesterday I archived all pictures of prior relationships and a man texted me today after vanishing on me back in December. Those things reminded me how much not being accepted hurts, how much I miss texts and conversations and hugs, and also how my life flows much better when I stay focused on what I need and want to do for myself.
Athena,
I understand every part of it. With chronic pain you’re simply not able to afford wasting your energy with the wrong people. It’s clear you cannot afford to add strain to it either. I had times with pain and can remember that very well. You have to “count”: Do I have energy to invest? If I have, does it pay off? What are the consequences?
And then, it’s not so easy to find the right people, people like yourself. (That “support” group you wrote about – sounds like an experience you could do without!) And if you do the right people who want something in their lives and are prepared to do something for it too, it still costs a lot of time and energy to develop the relationship the right way. And that wouldn’t save you the effort of building a good relationship with yourself! I think not so many people are good at that. I do have people that are good for me, but I like and need being on my own, too.
I’m glad I can be part of your support group, Athena. You deserve people who like and support you. *Hug*
Yes this is the right kind of support group!!
And yes, every act, every decision is ROI (Return on Investment) I can do x and it will cost me y. Or I can do a it will cost me b.
In November I tried to go play and learned the cost. December I tried to keep a clean house and learned the cost. In January I’m realizing I can’t do either of those things and am looking at the emotional cost of being shut up in a dirty house with one small window. 🙂
It’s all about learning what you can do, and making the most of the time you have.
Athena,
“It’s all about learning what you can do, and making the most of the time you have.”
You ARE a model in making the most of the time you have!
You’d let us know if you needed some kind of help discussed, would you? Take care. Yours, Johanna
Johanna,
Thank you for that!! I have thought long and much about your comment and it has been so wonderful, I appreciate it.
I keep thinking that while my limitations are due to an injury, is that really a whole lot different from people with good enough jobs &/or family responsibilities that reduce the amount of “just me” time we have?
Also, there’s a lot of experimenting involved. I will admit I experimented with implementing various things over the last few months and it didn’t work as I hoped – and I would be lying if I said that there were not times I am frustrated, and, well, just plain not happy to be honest.
I have to take the long term view — over time I am better, over time I am learning what I can and cannot do, over time I am stretching my boundaries, my limitations, over time I am dramatically changing and shifting my life.
With my back injury there has been so much “don’t do this” because it would add so much to the pain. Some of that has shifted. For instance now I can pretty much assume I can eat, sleep, bathe. I actually can bawl my eyes out sometimes. Yeah, who really wants to do that – but think about the physical requirement of crying, what’s actually involved. That can downright hurt. Bad. So I had to make a point to NOT cry all the times I needed to cry, through all the breakups, all the deaths of loved ones, all the losses. So now I’m crying. And as much as it doesn’t feel good, at the same time crying it out when I’ve spent a decade doing whatever I can to make sure I *never cried* feels pretty darn good.
I’m also thinking about how I really don’t want to speak. Speaking is creating vibrations, sound vibrations, and vibrations hurt. So why would I want to do that?
But I have come to realize I’m creating such a milquetoast life that it’s getting depressing. I go through phases like this where I need to look at my life, my feelings, figure out what’s going on, what I can do about it.
I work for myself – I have a choice whether or not to speak. I realized that if I’m going to spend pain energy vocalizing, I’m going to put in a Disney movie and SING, sing loud, powerful, strong, sing my heart, my passion, my soul out. Because I LOVE TO SING. I feel so good when I sing, it raises my vibrations so much when I sing.
Does it hurt? Well, yeah, actually it does. But I have to weigh that against the pain of the middle of the road milquetoast life. I can talk to a client or I can sing or I can keep doing things at my house, not too exciting, not too stimulating, in silence – which sounds more fun?
I keep thinking about a way back topic, about finding what you are passionate about … I had all these ideas, all these things I want to do – and I tried to implement them and it just didn’t work. It doesn’t mean it WON’T work it just means I can’t do all that *right now*. And yeah I’m annoyed and frustrated.
In my regrouping time I am reconnecting with “what can I do right now that is fun and makes me happy?” that also for me doesn’t hurt too much or affect my ability to do my “good enough job” work?
I am remembering my earlier comments about the 1-10 scale and fluffy socks …
You know what, warm fluffy socks right out of the dryer on a cold day do feel pretty darn good. It’s not something earth shattering, it’s not something that motivates me through the day, into the night, gets me up in the morning – but it feels really darn good.
I feel like a cat myself, I’m wearing so much discarded fur from my long-hair cat … so fur-less clothes and sheets are pretty fun.
I think it’s pretty easy to get caught up in the lack, and forget what is pretty awesome now, and to make sure all those little awesome things and rituals (like my morning tea and oatmeal) are a part of our day.
Right now there are a number of things that aren’t working out the way I expected, planned or hoped, but I know things WILL, and I know filling up my day with all those small little things that are fun, make me smile, make me happy, will make things better.
I wanted to add also, I still remember when I first did my 1-10 list, three things stood out that I still remember: clean warm socks, clean sheet day, hating my alarm clock and loving when I didn’t have to wake up to one.
Starting just right there, with those things, starting to do other things, explore other things, have lead me step by step, to things that honestly, really, truly do keep me up at night due to enthusiasm and wake me early in the morning to pursue them (and leave me frustrated I cannot physically pursue them as much as I would like!) 🙂
In my regrouping time I am including in my day as many of those things that I can think of, and can remember, because I know attitude is everything, exploring and enjoying what makes me happy is everything, Playing where and how I can is everything.
And – as mentioned before, re-frame exercise right? Used to be showering 3 times a week was my goal, so singing 30 minutes 3 times a week sounds pretty darn fun, and a lot more fun than doing aerobics!! 🙂
To find my answer, please scroll down!
Johanna-
This is what I was taught to do by a mentor during cancer healing.
He said,”You only have so much energy. Your body needs all of it to heal you. Don’t waste it with people-places things that you can ignore-for now. Say Yes to yourself and use it for own healing. If you go to s support group or see friends/relatives #nd you feel worse when you leave the interaction -don’t go back.”
So-you measure your feelings before and after.
Boy-did that save me from lots of groups and interactions. I never did find a good group-most were downers. I avoided them like the plague. And I did just fine-actually much better than most of the folks in the groups.
The right group can help though. Never did find it. I created my own path.
Oh my gosh that’s so good. Even if someone doesn’t have a medical issue though, time is one thing we can never get back or replace so it’s good to spend it in valuable uplifting ways and places (even if that’s having a cuddle fest on the couch or spending a day watching movies).
And I know what you mean about support groups – a few minutes ago a friend suggested I go to a support group and my reaction was shock and horror! 🙂 I have found support groups to be very good for venting out the emotions but not good for being actually supportive and moving on.
One time, on a health and fitness site, I wanted to start a Challenge for us limited ability folks. Most challenges were things like 30 minutes aerobics every day or some such that I would fail before the challenge even began.
Using a back pain technique I learned (reframe exercises as everything that is challenging TO YOU), I set up a Challenge where we would declare our OWN challenges at the start and then report on a daily basis. (At that time my challenge was to shower 3 times a week and make lunch 3 times a week.)
OH … MY … GOSH the amount of “I can’t do this, I can’t do that, you’re being too unreasonable!!” blew my mind. I stopped hanging out with people like that.
(And FWIW, it took me a few months from that point to work up to consistently showering 3 times a week and making lunch 3 times a week. I went back to the fully functioning folks and said – I can’t physically do that challenge, can I set mine as this? And they were ALL very supportive!)
And like you, Wen, I have been charting my own course and doing much better than they have.
Athena-Yeah!
I figure I have just so much energy to heal. Am I going to spend it on me-or someone else.
Me first when I am sick.
I ran into a funny story about this when I was in chemo.
One day a woman was told that she was terminal and had only a few months to live.
She left the docs office and immediately went home and told her husband that she wanted a divorce. She was telling this story many years later. Someone asked her how she recovered from a terminal disease. She answered, “Oh. That was easy. All I had to do was lose a tit and an ass!”
She had had breast cancer. So she lost -a breast and her husband!
That was all she needed to heal.
Others heal by going back and resolving the problems in the marriage.
Different strokes for different folks. You have to sense what you need to heal and then get into action.
Wen,
thank you for sharing your experience. I appreciate that very much.
“You only have so much energy. Your body needs all of it to heal you. Don’t waste it with people-places things that you can ignore-for now. Say Yes to yourself and use it for own healing.”
Very wise advice! That’s exactly what I’m doing and feeling at the moment, recovering from the third bad cold within half a year. I made an inner journey and got the sentence “I need myself now” and “Now I need everything for myself”. To be honest with the measurement before and after meeting someone has become very important after a demanding year. So I do take this advice seriously.
For me it’s got to do not only with the people I meet (or don’t) but with my thought patterns, too: I think about everybody else in absence again and again and again! A kind of loyalty I learned … Now I have to tell myself: I don’t have energy for this. Or my little one says: Mama, I need you … I have to be loyal to her now.
But I want to be honest with my friends, too. Tried that on Jan 11: told them what their depression last year meant to me/us. I got that right (cost a lot of work beforehand), they got it, too, could take it, now things have changed. They’re standing on their own feet again. But a friendship must be worthwhile to take this effort. I hope and think this one is. We know them for twenty years. But still, I couldn’t do it this year as I have last … Carry other people piggyback. That’s over now.
I think that’s how I close the gap between me and myself, how I learn to say Yes and to stay with me. As if I hadn’t tried and practiced that those last decades, too!! But now I seem to be able to sense that moment where I need myself. I give in to my tiredness …
Thank you for your support. I appreciate that very much.
Johanna Re: “Now I need everything for myself”
That sounds like a very good path for now.
Many others probably think that it sounds too selfish -that you might turn into some self absorbed monster. That won’t happen. I found that it was just a reminder to me that I was too out of balance on the “helping others” side of the equation. I needed to correct by going way over to the opposite side-everything for me-just for a time. I needed this time to heal. I knew that I would later be able to help in a more balanced way.
Sounds like you are on your way to finding that balance.
Here is a quote from Boris Pasternak:
“The great majority of us are required to live a life of constant systematic duplicity. Your health is bound to be affected if, day after day, you say the opposite of what you feel, if you grovel before what you dislike and rejoice at what brings you nothing but misfortune.”
Dr. Zhivago
Well-we aren’t always “required.” We just don’t say no.
Replying to your last comment (Jan 27)
Athena, I’m glad you liked my comment and didn’t find it insensitive. Thank you for your long open answer! I appreciate that.
You’re right, with a job and partner, friends, family (for many people: kids!) the “just me-time” can be very limited. Living on your own means having a lot of time for yourself. It’s a different lifestyle. Luckily, in my life I can have both, something I gained by adjusting things step by step (such as reducing working hours). And right now I’ve found out I need more time and quiet than I knew before. As always, it’s my health that told me this … I really appreciate the wealth of contact and support I have. But I learned in Hanging Out that it’s alright TO NOT NEED it. Gives me more freedom in my choices.
I’m glad to hear you’re doing better! That you’re often able to eat, sleep, bathe and so on. As I have observed, after an injury and with chronic pain, things always seem to take MUCH longer time than you expected … The long term view is a necessary strategy coming from mind and logic, not from the feeling! Being able to really cry is something big … an achievement, and I think it’s brave too.
“But I have come to realize I’m creating such a milquetoast life that it’s getting depressing.”
LOL! Had to look up that expression in the dictionary. Could it be these are the natural phases you’re going through with chronic health problems? On the one hand ignoring the limitation and learning the cost of that attitude. On the other hand limiting yourself until there seems nothing to be left and you get sick of being a Poor Me!! It seems to be a continuum to choose from. And you cannot make one right decision forever or have *the* valid insight – the constant fine-tuning can be really annoying (“Is this never going to end!! I’ve already done so much, but it doesn’t pay off AT ALL!” 🙂 ) – but it’s the way!
“Because I LOVE TO SING.- “what can I do right now that is fun and makes me happy?” – warm fluffy socks right out of the dryer on a cold day do feel pretty darn good. – all those little awesome things and rituals will make things better.”
YES! Those socks and cats and tea hours do make the difference. It’s the little moments that add up to the atmosphere of a day or living. For example, I cannot take outdoor artist’s dates most of the time. But I can thumb through a book about French manors while drinking a cup of coffee or tea, and that is an artist’s date for me. Like being in youtube listening to music I just found and am excited about.
It’s great you sing! 🙂 🙂 Can imagine that with the movie and all.
“I feel like a cat myself” – That’s interesting! I found out just recently, that although I *can* be in groups like squirrels if I have to and can be loyal and helpful as a dog, I’m more like a cat. Cats can be very cuddly, but they’re also capricious, self-sufficient, energetic, sleep all the time and so on. It describes what I’m experiencing right now very well, and I do hope it will help me gaining better boundaries in relationships, too. I can be in relationship, but after the contact it’s alright to forget about it. (I usually have a much too large reverb.) Or at least this is my idea of a healing image for myself. When I imagined all the years they / I tried to train my inner cat like a dog, I cried my eyes out. It was so exhausting. Now my cat wants her right.
“I keep thinking about a way back topic, about finding what you are passionate about – enthusiasm and wake me early in the morning to pursue them – exploring and enjoying what makes me happy – Playing where and how I can is everything.”
That sounds so good! I think in a state with limited energy passion gets carefully damped by the nervous system. Or this is what I experience right now. So I allow myself to feel fine but not great; to gradually feel a little enthusiastic about something but limit the time for it as a self-protection. And just like you, so slowly I’m able to experience bigger joy again without burning the candle at both ends.
Cheers, Athena! 🙂
Athena and Johanna-
Both cats? Love it!
At times-I have found that I can also use the Reverse Flowchart for things other than work projects, etc.
For example-I sometimes use -Contentment or piece of mind as a goal of sorts. It is really -I think-more of a touchstone-but you can try to quantify it as a goal-at least 8 do.
For example-2 hours per day of n worrying/contentment/pleasure/that purr when the cat is happy.
I know that goal sounds very amorphous.
But it has helped me at times when I had no outer project/goal-those down times you mention.
It helps provide a map of what techniques help the most to get me to the goal of a great 2 hours per day. Some of the bubbles would include things you mentioned:
Try an artist’s date-try warm socks-try going to the beach-try imaging that you are an artist-try acting like an artist for 1 hour.
At any rate-I do a certain number of these bubble in a single day. Then I measure how many pleasure moments I had by the end of the day. Very few? Then change the bubbles the next day-see what works.
So-this is like a Backward Flowchart for a 24 hour period.
I feel more comfortable measuring things daily like this.
That way I don’t get lost in non-action just waiting for my mood to change.
Oh Wen, I love that! A pleasure bubble!!!
I am thinking also of Abraham Hicks talking about a Virtual Reality, where you spend a few minutes feeling what it feels like to be enjoying whatever it is you want to do / be / have. Get in, feel it, get out. Do it many times a day.
Athena -Right! I always feel better if I can track the methods that I am using. How many hours per day of the goal feeling did I get from this or that activity/tool.
How much pleasure do I predict that I will get. I do this before the activity 1-10. Compare that with how much I actually got. Is this a keeper activity or not? If not-then go on to the next activity the following day.
I don’t like to wait around until my mood changes first.
I find that the action of doing the activity can actually change my mood.
I really WANT to do productive stuff today, but when I woke up my body was all – “nope, no way, no how, nada, zip, forget it”.
I went to get much needed groceries, but after that I need to physically do nothing. But I can do pleasure bubbles and that sounds like a lot of fun!!!!
Athena-
Yes-you can always do pleasure bubbles. And you can count how many -or how many minutes you spend per day. Then, try to increase that number the next day.
Kind of like Weight Watchers Check In-but in reverse.
They are trying to stay under a certain number of calories or decrease that number. You are trying to try different methods to increase the number of minutes per day.
There are clinical studies in the biofeedback arena that show that -using some visual biofeedback techniques-a person can influence a biological function down to the level of a single cell. In other words, they can measure the change in the lab.
So-a pleasure bubble could be good for your health!
I am reminded of the stories of musicians and athletes, who were unable to physically practice their craft due to injury or imprisonment, came out and were again excellent in days – because they practiced in their mind for hours every day.
I have heard our brain does not know the difference between fantasy and reality, so it’s good to spend “brain time” on things you enjoy and want.
I have also learned, through this injury which leaves me some days unable to do anything, most days unable to do as much as I would like, finding that I am usually inconsistent, if I can stay focused on what I am wanting, and keeping a good attitude, it makes a big difference.
Athena -Re; Olympic sports figures rehearsing by using visuals.
Yes -This is also used in Gigong. This technique is used in many moder cancer wards in China. They combine Qigong visuals with chemo and radiation. One hospital is called the medicineless hospital. Patients go there when the chemo and radiation fail.
The “students” practice a Qigong Routine for many hours per day. Some have complete recoveries after a few months.
They do the routine in large groups. Some patients are too weak to stand. So they do the practice by visualizing it -in bed.After a few weeks-they have more energy and do it with the group.
Here is what the do in bed. They open their arms and imagine that they are going up to the Big Dipper. They collect chi and bring it back and deposit it in the dian tien -2 inches below the belly button. They do this off and on for 10-1t minutes at a time.
Once they get on their feet-they do a routine-collecting and depositing chi for many hours per day.
I have seen some remarkable recoveries.
I used the routine along with chemo. But I only got up to an hour per day.
My doctor said it was a miracle-as if it fell from the sky. It takes lots of work to get to a miracle sometimes.
Hi everybody!
I am a bit sad that I cannot really follow your discussions due to time limitations: so lively and interesting!
But today a comment on this page reminded me of the silent scream: I it helped me right away and I want to share the story with you. Something very awkward happened to me tonight: two burglars came into my flat, while I was inside! I was sleeping, woke up and saw someone in my room and wondered: why is my boyfriend standing in front of my desk? Why does he have a flash light? And a hood??? Then I called his name and another man with flash light appeared. This was all at 5 am, in the dark. I then realized that, indeed, it was what it looked like and just started screaming as loud as I could. Luckily the thieves run away with a couple of our things but they didn’t do anything to me or my child, who was still sleeping beside me.
Hours later I was having a very uncomfortable feeling and I couldn’t stop thinking and talking about what happened. I wondered: when will this feeling go away? And this is when I read the comment and remembered the silent scream. I think I did it like 8 times in a row and afterwards I felt like a balloon that lost it’s air, completely relaxed. And there was silence in my head so that I could rest at last. Now I am feeling much better (in spite of a cold which suddenly got much worse, probably due to the nerves and the lack of sleep…).
I am still digesting the whole thing (that’s why I am writing about it here I guess) but the silent screaming might have accelerated the whole process. In any case it let me feel much better quite easily and without much effort: thank you for that Barbara!
I think I will do it again today.
Wow, Maria!!!!!! I hope you’re okay.
I was just writing about the silent scream a few minutes ago! Was it here?
Thanks for describing it to everyone.
Oh Maria,
I’m sorry to hear about this more then awkward situation, but I’m proud of how you dealed with it. Thank you for sharing!
Johanna
Wow, Maria, that’s proper scary. I think I’d dry up if it happened to me. Brave girl
Wow, Maria, that’s proper scary. I think I’d dry up if it happened to me. Brave girl
Thanx for your comments! I am fine now. Nothing was stolen which couldnt be replaced and i can sleep again. I even managed to meet some friends and _not_ tell them about the whole thing.
Wen,
I start afresh so we can find the current discussion easier. Your Warrior Project is impressive. Thank you for doing this. I’m sure those brochures will help a lot. Writing them will be easy to you. First rough draught and structure, it’s all in your head already. Of course, to fill in the details in the brochures takes as long as the “perfect” rough draft …
How do you cope with the feelings that must be involved seeing all this, the anger, sadness, fear? It seems to me you’re in the function of a priestess … Hope you have someone you can address yourself to from time to time?
Take breaks, treat yourself, you’re needed here in a good condition. 😉 You’ll let us know what kind of help you need on this?
All the best!
Hi Wen,
no buttons down there anymore, I’ll write here. It fits the headline Reality Series anyway!
“3-4 days fighting HMOS -Then-I reverse completely -I spend even more time with the zoo animals-I spend lots of time studying the evolution of consciousness my favorite topic.- I practice a form of medical qigong used to help cure cancer in China.- And I have been a student of the teachings of Sri Aurobindo for years=karma yoga/meditation/Witness consciousness. – Bottom line-I remind myself that I am responsible for the action. I can’t control the response to my action-not in charge of the world. I try to not be too attached to the outcome. I do all I can-then have to turn it all over.”
Wow. Good balance. Now I understand better how you can do all this. Is Witness consciousness like installing an inner witness through meditation? I’ve practiced that a bit myself and practiced observing my feelings. Have a lot more inner distance today, it’s a relief. Looking at what you do, this practice seems highly recommended! Your personal way is inspiring.
My (more than) good enough job is helping people find a job. In my private life, I sign petitions and donate a certain amount I can afford. I help a bit here and there (family and friends), but not too much anymore – in my private life, I’ve learned to concentrate on my wellbeing, best relationships and my arts and interests. It’s my honey, my Reward.
I still have bad consciousness for this – still feel selfish, living a life of luxury. Of course I “know” (because Barbara writes that in Refuse To Choose which I know for almost 6 years) that I have to do what’s inside me. Sometimes I still think I should do more for other people, poor and helpless people (at least my single mother sister and her kids) …
But on the other hand I’ve so much “work left” only I can do! My songs, stories, pictures … I have to make them, and they’re so many. I have to practice singing and guitar and composing and drawing to realize and produce what I really see and hear inside. I’ts fun and it will take me years. I feel happier all the time Hanging Out and getting my creative things straight.
But still this thoughts. Perhaps because I’m from a preacher’s family! Bad consciousness was one main feeling, another was sympathy with all the suffering people in the world. On the one hand I think this is good – at least we cared. On the other it often made me helpless. And now I want to focus mainly on myself and my interests?! Puh … Seems there is still karma to be cleared. 😉
You recommended the shamanic book from Jeanne Achterberg. In fact we have that book at home, I’ll read it soon. Is there another title you especially like/recommend on the topics you mentioned? Thanks!
Hi Wen,
would you agree to answer me up here using the Reply button? I nearly didn’t see your answers down there because there are so many comments and no Reply buttons left. So I thought, we could start a new thread up here, if you don’t mind?
You wrote on January 14, 2015 at 4:01 pm
“Johanna-WOW! All those questions are pretty deep. Might take a lifetime to figure out all that. And I don’t have all the answers -for sure. But I found that you don’t need to have all the answers to the big questions in order to heal and find contentment.”
Fortunately not! Thank you for your thoughts and compassion. Those are the questions at the stage I’m at. To ask you answer me all that questions would be craving too much! Because it’s one of my not-feeling-solved-topics I wrote about, it might have sounded desperate or stuck, but I’m not.
I simply see how you do a lot of things in your life, using many methods pursuing your path and coping with the different aspects of life including desease. I admire how you do that. And I’m doing that, too. I like the exchange of thoughts possible in Hanging Out with so interesting people.
Reading your comments I see that applying methods and following a path of selfdevelopment works out, to say it that dryly. It confirms the way I’m on. I absolutely believe in methods! To me the Scanner Daybook, daily Tah Dah-List in my calendar (anti-depressant, implemented years ago), daily diary and relaxation/meditation, working with psychological, spiritual and healing tools … Starting small. Getting things done little by little. Several creative hobbies. Among others. Long list.
What I also wanted to say is I’m glad, doing such a special and committed work, you have that recreation strategy by which you focus on yourself (and that Little One). 🙂 And I thought “that explains a lot”, explains how you can do it. Developping a recreation strategy is one main topic in my Daybooks. Perhaps I can write about that another time. Now I return to bed – got a bad cold again …
Thanks for that book recommendation “What We May Be-Piero Ferrucci”. I’ll see if I can find that one.
Johanna
Yes -hope this helps. Let me know if it doesn’t. I have had problems finding a reply button. And-have had problems getting into the site during the last few days. But that could be on my end. It just freezes.
Wen thanks this is awesome!
Athena-
Re: The disability maze
*A few questions:
*Did you work with an attorney when you filed your 6 disability applications?
No I had no attorney as for most of those I was not seeing doctors and lawyers would not take on my case because I was not seeing doctors. For the first one I was still seeing doctors but that was concurrent to the P&S/go away thing.
*Food Stamps -Have you applied within the last few months. A change of income in a month should trigger a new application. Medicaid is like this also. You could be eligible in one month-not eligible in the next-and then eligible again in the next-all depending on monthly income fluctuations.
No I have not because:
1) when I was last disqualified I was clearly earning way more than enough to qualify and my income only radically changed in November.
2) Being self-employed I have not known how to go about doing that or if, making the choice to be self-employed, I even qualify.
Re: Soc Security Disability
This is a very complex arena. I cangive you broad outline here.
*There are two planning strategies that you must consider: Long term planning ans short term planning.
*Long term -If you plan to make as much money as possible in the short term-you won’t be able to get disability -you will be making too much money. Social Security calls this the SGA limit=substancial gainful activity.
*But that doesn’t mean that you can’t plan now for a possible worst case scenario in the future. That is-you find that you can no longer work.
*To plan for the possibility of this situ -you need to start documenting your medical problems right now. You have to set up a paper trail to win your future case. SS does not care that much about old medical records. They want to see documentation that you currently have problems.
In this instance, after years of not working I am very motivated to find ways to make a lot of money. So YEAH, I am doing what I can to keep costs down so my overhead is low at the same time I am doing what I can to leverage my time and knowledge into massive income.
I can NOT work more than 30 hours a week at home, that is hard. 20 is better. I can NOT work more than that. Add things like talking, standing, office clothes, normal shoes I can effectively work even less. I have struggled through but last few years time and again was asked to leave jobs (aka was fired) because the pain (and honestly the desire for pee breaks and lunch) got in the way.
(Benefits in Key West aren’t 401(k) and dental, they are can you eat, can you go to the bathroom, are you actually paid.)
The only real documentation they accept is the records of your most recent doc visits.
*This means that you have to start making these visits and must start complaining about every little thing-not just back pain. You must document the side effects of that. For example-you can’t sleep due to the pain. That means that you might fall asleep during the day. That means that you can’t do a regular job-you can’t stay awake-you are confused,etc.
These are the rules of the game. If you want to win-you must play by these rules.
*The doc will document what you say in his/her notes.
This is your paper trail for a future case.
*To do all this-you need insurance.
Do you have: Medicaid or the ACA/Obamacare?
It looks like Florida has agreed to the Obamacare expansion of Medicaid. It allows you to have a higher income than the old Medicaid and they won’t look at your assets-money in the bank. Not sure when this will start.
Let me know if you have insurance. We can go from there.
I have no insurance and I cannot afford doctor visits. A single doctor visit can take 6 hours of waiting and cost $400 cash. Even on sliding scale with zero income and being homeless I was charged $300 for a routine womanly exam. I have a hospital bill I still cannot afford to pay.
Costs are weird here – a doctor visit in California that was relatively on time and cost me $60-$80 costs $400+ and hours of waiting here. Everyone who can drives up to Miami for doctor, dentist, eye, specialist appointments, but that’s a 6 hour round trip drive plus time for the doctor plus cost for the doctor.
I don’t know how to see a doctor when it’s $400 a visit and I can’t honestly right now even pay next month’s rent.
I love what you say about the not sleeping at night therefore falling asleep during the day thing. Sometimes it’s the right words, right phrasing, that makes the difference. I learned that at Disney with their disability rule changes of a few years back – they used to be extremely disability friendly now not not disability friendly at all because people abused the system. But after talking to many people and many tears, I was told the code phrase to be able to get the disability pass.
I have something I can share but will not do that here, if you email me at athena@thejoyfulshaman.com I will and maybe that will be enough to make the difference.
Athena –
Sorry to hear about your difficulties. But not to worry. I work with people all day-people who have the exact same problems that you have.
And many of the people I work with have cancer-sometimes terminal-to add to the mix. You are not alone.
But it will take some time to work on each problem.
I am running out of juice on my cell phone. So-will answer one question at a time. I will send yo other answers latter today or tomorrow.
I am very used to dealing with this crazy-making system. But you can see why I have to stop and run over to see my friend Wendall the owl. Otherwise-I might lose it-dealing with these government and insurance folks. This is where I find my balance-with all my friends at the zoo-Wendall-Derby-Kashi-Spirit, etc.=owls-goats-sheep-camels-an eagle with an amputation of part of her wing=her name is Spirit and she sends out a call when she sees me-and many monkeies.
This is what keeps me sane.
Ok-Issue #1 Insurance
You are not allowed to be without insurance now-since the ACA came in. There is a glitch in Fla. But it looks like it is being fixed as we speak.
*Everyone must apply for Obamacare! No exceptions unless you get work insurance.
The rule-everyone must be covered or you will be fined when you file your income tax forms. They will take the fine out of your refund. There are a few appeals possible.
So-the first thing you must do is to try to sign up right now. You missed coverage for all of last year.
For those who are low income-the government will pay the premium for you. They will calculate how much of the premium they will pay.
But-these plans have large copays for major treatments-not usually for doc visits.
These copays could cost you up to about $6,000 per year.
Not to worry. The government will pay this for you if your income is low.
That means that you might be able to get a great deal.
I have helped many patients sign up.
It doesn’t work well for cancer patients who have a moderate income. It works well for lower income people.
You have to sign up right now or you are in danger of missing the deadline for this year-only a few days left!
Now there could be another problem-that your income istoo LOW for Obamacare. In that case the Obamacare people will refer you to Medicaid. The Old Medicaid.
I don’t think you qualify for the Old Medicaid because you have to be 65-or be listed as disabled by soc. Security -or have young children/be pregnant.
But now there is a New Medicaid-Obamacare Medicaid.
You don’t have to be disabled or have kids. I belive you would qualify for this Medicaid.
Here is the glitch-Fla. tried to reject this part. But they have reversed that-I think. It should happen soon. If it does-you would be completely covered-and you can have any amount in the bank-they don’t care.
It is critical that you jump into the system right now. Call the Obamacare number to start. I can get it for Fla if you can’t find it.
Will answer the other questions later. Also will contact you at your email address as soon as I can plug in my phone.
Also-I will see if I can find organizations in your county for help with the rent.
What county are you in?
LOL re first point yes I have to stop and visit with chickens, iguanas, peacocks, alligators. When I was in California I finished every doctor visit with hugging a redwood tree in “my forest” on my way home. Now I will read the rest. 🙂
I applaud your helping so many people in need of insurance. That bureaucracy would make me nuts. It does at times. That is so cool your helping out.
David -Thanks. I love doing it. I just have to make sure that I find balance and shake off the crazy-making stuff. The bureaucracy seems to depend on the fact that this is all a game of sorts and you don’t know how to play it.
You must understand the basic rules of Legalandia. They do speak English there. But don’t befooled. They have redefined the words. You must carry a legalandia dictionary and learn the customs of this foreign country-or you will lose.
I was trained years ago -in part-by Aids activists. They are the best in teaching how to win the Legalandia game.
I aim to win. I jump through every stupid hoop they throw up.That is how you win the game.
Most people don’t win-they refuse to jump through any hoops-they just yell-“That rule is not fare. You can’t do that.” Oh yes they can!
Most patients simply yell! That is a trick. They know that they will win because you are not jumping thru the hoop. In fact, most patients don’t even know that the hoop is a critical part of the game.
When you want to play soccer-you have to learn the rules to win. When you play chess-you learn the rules.
I know -you are saying that it is impossible to do that. Well-you can at least find an expert to do it. And-many times-they are free or low cost.
I’ve learned the rules by doing this for over 25 years. It is my “work” -my mission-not a job.
I do it whether I get paid for it or not. Sometimes I do get paid. Other times I just do it.
That way-it can never be taken away from me.
Like an artist who paints-whether the paintings sell or not.
It is the expression of creativity. That is our duty.
If Legal Aid doesn’t or can’t help you, where do you go? Wow– do you have an autobiography.
Wen, you are awesome. It’s a pleasure and honor to hear from you. Some of your articles in this threads could be printed in a book. Thank you for doing what you do!
Also the challenge in figuring out for me is I can’t easily get to appointments, it’s incredibly painful to spend hours sitting in those chairs for your appointments, by the time I get in front of someone I’m out of my mind, I can’t remember much or think straight.
Then I have to somehow get myself back home safely without killing myself or anyone else, and then spend a couple days (or more, often many more) either in bed or on the floor trying to recuperate.
It would help so much to have someone drive me, or be an advocate, speak when I cannot, ask questions, help me remember things, figure things out, or someone who actually IS an Advocate to be with me through the process.
Johanna-
Thanks for the encouragement! I will be needing more of it soon. I am going to do my backward flowchart today. I want to start with a website offering this info. Then-I could write short How To booklets on different topics that I run into daily:
Disability
Social Security Retirement
Working Till you Drop=this is big now. So many seniors will be working forever. That is good as far as creativity goes!
But they don’t understand how all of this works together-the benefits maze.
Like how does work ins work with Medicare Or-should I stay with my old retirement ins or drop it. It is too expensive.
Or-My parents can’t take care of themselves at home.I can’t afford 24 hour care for them. What to do. They are running out of money.
Big problems for Adult Children.
And-my HMO won’t authorize the treatment I need.
I counsel people with these worries daily.
They are on the verge of stepping into the world of Benefitslandia. And they don’t know the rules of the game and how to play to win.
Would love to teach them how.
In benefitslandia Stephen Hawking would be classified as not disabled. Why? Because their English is not your English.
Social.Security first looks at how much money you make. That is hoop number one.
I am sure that Hawking makes more than the Social Security SGA limit on income. If you are over that limit-YOU ARE NOT DISABLED!
They don’t even begin to look at your medical record until hoop #2.
Thanks again for the support.
No technically correct but totally useless information!
Athena-
Re: Appointments
The first priority is to get you insurance-something to pay for the appointments.
Then-we can work on the appointment situation.
You do need an advocate . We can work on this.
Yes Obamacare can mandate I am stripped more bare than I already am …
ITS JUST NUTS I CAN HARDLY FUNCTION and honestly need disability but am required to pay money I cannot afford into a system I cannot benefit from.
David -Legal Aid only helps in legal areas where you can’t find a lawyer for free or who works on a contingency basis.
So-depends on which city -Benefitslandia-you want to visit.
Are you taking about Social Security Disability? They don’t do that because a Disability attorney would take your case without any payment up front.
If you win-you get back money. The court awards the attorney a one time fee. If they lode-you don’t pay a dime.
That is why they won’t take your case if you don’t go to the doctor to document your symptoms. You can’t win in that case. The attorneys know that. They aren’t going to work for free!
I have seen them work on a few cases though-especially appeals.
You could always call them and ask.
Food Stamps-Medicaid appeals-they do that.
Let me know what you are trying to apply for. I will direct you.
No8 have no book. But I intend to set up a website to teach everyone the rules of the game.
You must be a warrior to win.
It’s not that I’m applying, I may have confused us both.
I need to follow your advice and talk to Ticket To Work. I recall how my regular Rehab counselor hated Ticket to Work. She felt they had no idea how to help blind people. Actually, Rehab didn’t really either. You had to figure it out for yourself. I must not be a warrior archetype, not sure what I am. Maybe a bit artistic, lazy, for sure. Somewhat sage, but more trivia than intellectual. I do need to look into how much the qualified member benefit pays for me each month. It covers Medicare premiums and deductible.
I think there are seven archetypes. Maybe, I’m a bit of several. I usually have trouble with that stuff because I always end up in several categories, neverf itting into one or two boxes. Scatter brained, too.
Commenting on your rides situation. Is there a paratransit service where you are. They provide rides for disabled persons. It’s not perfect, often there is a 15 minute window on either side of your pick-up time meaning they can be 15 early or 15 late. BUt it’d be a start. and I do so agree, sitting in those darn chairs hurts my back so much. I want to cry. I dread appointments now. I usually spend my time wh en not having to sit, lying down. I must spend about 15-18 hours a day horizontal. Everything hurts too much if I sit too long, the more I sit, the worse it becomes.
I don’t know if there would be paratransit services and I am not sure how that would work – I can have a 9 am appointment, arrive at 830, and not leave until 1, 2 or even 4, waiting hours to be seen so I have no idea how I would schedule a ride home!
This may work in some places, but I’m not sure how that would work for me. And my doctors are miles away on different islands in two opposite directions. If I was ON disability so had money therefore didn’t have to worry about how much time was involved it would be different.
David I find that it doesn’t really matter what type you are.
Anyone can learn to play the game.
The first step is knowing that it is a game and that there are rules.
I did lots of public speaking before. I found that people understand it when you explain things in simple ways.
How many people tell me that they have spent hours reading government booklets yet can’t understand a thing.
That is the government’s fault-not yours!
Athena-
If you would like to apply for SS disability, I could help you navigate that step.
But it won’t work if you don’t show many doc visits.
That would be too expensive for you now. You would have to apply for insurance to pay for it.
It really gets down to the first decision that you must make=
Do you want to play the game and jump
through the hoops?
You might win disability income-but it is a long process.
Or-do you want to just try to make money-forget the Disability income for now?
I hope you see this, Athena. First, yipes, my typing is getting worse and worse. I get so exhausted typing and trying to proof and worrying how missy it is.
Perhaps, if you do qualify, use the paratransit for taking you to the appointment and ask if they have a will-call feature. This lets you call when you are done. But wait-times can be long. So it may simply not be a doable idea. I’m not sure if other organizations provide medical transportation or cab vouchers of some kind.
Athena-Next phase of benefitslandia/legalandia 101.com
*Food Stamps 5hey don’t care where the money comes from-self employed or otherwise. They just care about how you document it and the total amount per month. If your income fluctuates-you may be eligible in one month-not in the next month-then eligible again in the following month. They do use a different calculation if your income fluctuates wildly.
It doean’t cost anything to apply. So-you can keep trying.
Paying rent-what county are you in?
Tip-Red Flag issue. If you tell any government program that you have no income/assets that will raise a re flag.
They will suspect that you are hiding donations from friends-organizations,etc. That is “income” in Legalish=English + their definition of the term.
They want to know how you are paying for your rent. How you are paying for food. Are you growing it? Or-is a neighbor donating it? That would be classified as income to you-they would assign a dollar value. That is thw world of legalandia!
Don’t blame me. I didn’t create the world!
Your first step in creating a survival strategy is:
*Must apply for Obamacare. You only have five days or you will be blocked from getting it for a year.
*Have you contacted local organizatons re: rent help?
Patients these days must fight. I appealed a case for a guy who only had a month or so to live. An HMO denied him life-saving treatment. They said it didn’t exist. It did.
I appealed and I knew that I could win. But -right in the middle of the appeal-the HMO threw up a new hoop to jump through. They told him that they had found a local doc who could do the procedure. Not true. Only one doc in the state was doing it.
The patient fell for the trick. He started yelling-You can’t make me go. You don’t have any doctor here. I REFUSE TO GO.
Yikes! Refusal to go to any appointment offered =you lose the case!
I had to be blunt with him. “You have a few months to live-per your doctor. If you want to win this surgery, you will go to that appointment -jump through that hoop today.”
He came to his senses-went to the appointment. The surgeon told him that he operated on breasts ,not the pancreas. Said the pancreas was like oatmeal-had no idea how to operate on it. Great! Jumped thru that hoop!
We win! He is alive and well now many years later.
“Food Stamps 5hey don’t care where the money comes from-self employed or otherwise. They just care about how you document it and the total amount per month. If your income fluctuates-you may be eligible in one month-not in the next month-then eligible again in the following month. They do use a different calculation if your income fluctuates wildly.
It doean’t cost anything to apply. So-you can keep trying.
Well, they always asked for paycheck stubs, and I had to have 3 months of them when being evaluated. I have bank statements but a lot of that shows money, and then of course this month’s bank statement won’t show up for weeks yet.
Paying rent-what county are you in? Monroe County, FL
Tip-Red Flag issue. If you tell any government program that you have no income/assets that will raise a re flag.
They will suspect that you are hiding donations from friends-organizations,etc. That is “income” in Legalish=English + their definition of the term.
They want to know how you are paying for your rent. How you are paying for food. Are you growing it? Or-is a neighbor donating it? That would be classified as income to you-they would assign a dollar value. That is thw world of legalandia!
Don’t blame me. I didn’t create the world!
Yes when I had no job and was sustaining myself by unusual methods as well as an employer who could not pay me for months and was then sending checks, I knew the checks would be running out soon so I wanted to get something lined up to help so I had to get creative about what I said. And at that time I was *homeless* so it’s not like I was paying rent!
Your first step in creating a survival strategy is:
*Must apply for Obamacare. You only have five days or you will be blocked from getting it for a year.
Well that will be tricky – I can look into it, I don’t know how much money they need, but I don’t have a lot in the bank right now.
*Have you contacted local organizatons re: rent help? I have not done that in Florida. After spending long, agonizing, frustrating, time on the phone, weeks, months, over several years, and getting absolutely no where the idea of spending limited time doing THAT when I could spend limited time getting an ad out, or doing this billable work I have right in front of me, which I know WILL bring in income, I just don’t have the desire to wear myself out like that again. I would if I believed it would HELP or result in some benefit. It is a tremendously painful and exhausting thing to do, to make all those calls, have all those conversations.
The last few weeks I have gone into several tangents which hasn’t helped (I mean, it will ultimately – that woman wanted to hire me but she wanted a description of my program and I spent a couple days doing a data dump for thoughts and ideas to figure it out – then tried to get the background set up to automate, meanwhile she now doesn’t have enough money – I can rework that since much of the work is done, it won’t be lost, spent time trying to see if I could go have fun and write about it but that was too painful, learning time, but it’s time spent doing that when I could have done something else), and with my only client I have days I can focus on something for me, and days I’m just slammed and overwhelemed, and it varies widely.
Athena-
I agree. It is really frustrating to talk to some of these “help” agencies/the government/HMOS.
I know-I have to do it all the time in order to break thru and win.
I have heard every “The dog ate my homework” excuse from them.
But here is the most basic tip for you:
You must apply for Obamacare now. You only have a few days left.
I can sometimes get medical things donated. But the first thing that they will ask for is proof that you attempted to apply.
They won’t donate if you refuse to apply for a program that might pay.
This is a hoop. You must jump through it to get what you need.
And-they won’t accept any talk about not having money.
If you don’t have money to buy it-they buy it for you and pay your copays for services and meds.
They must evaluate your financial situation.
If you do have large copays-then we can ask for donations of services, etc.
Bottom line-you will lose if you don’t play the game.
Re: Local organizations for help.
Let me see if anyone is helping in your county.
Do you need a number for Obamacare?
I will send you the number.
They don’t care much about getting the paperwork in on time-the financial proof.
Just get the application in.
Will post the best number today.
David-Couldn’t find the reply button on this one. Hope this works.
Re: glaucoma
Don’t worry about any why’s. We are not in charge of the universe. There are lots of whys-genetics-some environmental exposure.-a million other things.
The only important question is-What do I love to do-what makes me feel better daily -and how can I put some little piece of that into my life right now-daily.
That is the best medicine-no dwelling on the why’s. We don’t have the power to create everything in the universe. It is a mystery.
Wen,
I am doing what is suggested, still have not yet had the ” that was good that I did that” and /or “something about what I did, I want to do it again”
Eric-Action first-the feelings will follow. But we are not in control of how long it will take.
Why not tell us all about what things you are trying.
Everyone here has an interest in your journey. We are here to help support each other in the quest.
There are some things that we can control and other we can’t.
I always try to remember that I am responsive for acting-for giving something to the world -for helping the world in some way. However-I am not responsive for the response to that action. That is out of my control. Society-other people not react negatively to my “gift” to the world. No big deal. My joy is in the doing of what I believe is my “mission.” No control over the reaction to what I do. I can’t operate on the basis of what pleases others.
You are on your own hero’s path. There are ups and there are downs and dragons to slay along the way.
Didn’t you say that you wanted to help the world somehow? To slay some dragons to make the world better?
Well-just open your front door. You will find millions of people who are suffering and need help.
I think there is a mission out there waiting for you.
Wen,
I’ve looked at my childhood for clues and have tried some of those: drawing (not feeling much spark) song writing ( I have several songs written I dug up, several pages of phrases, sentences, phrases that rhyme – no spark there), same with jigsaw puzzles. I am looking at all of those and say “where is that stuff now?” “I’d be on my journey with that high multi-talent which can be used in many places doing what I love.”
Helping out where ever I can – neighbors, strangers.
Looking online, in magazines for things that stand out, capture my interest….
I have that lost “knowing who I am” feeling.
Eric-Think I just lost the last post to you.
I will try again:
*How about Barbara’s exercise of rating each activity. 1 -10.com
Then report back to the group on each activity.
*Use Athena’s list or make up your own.
*How about Predicting how much satisfaction you think you will get out of the activity before you do it. Than rate how mush satisfaction you really got afterwards.
Also-what about volunteering for some cause-just for a few hours.
Do you have any interest in social change?
The drawing-puzzles,etc don’t involve other people. Do you like that or do you like to be with other people?
You are an active participant in this group. How do you rate being in this group?
And you joined Hanging Out. Those are actions that you took on your own.
Do you belong to any other support groups -internet or real world.?
Have you read Wishcraft? Have you done the exercises in Wishcraft?
I am working on my own dream plan. Should have some ideas formulated by next week. I have got to catch up on my exercises in Refuse to Choose tomorrow.
Looking forward to getting support from the group once I launch my dream.
If you get a chance in the future-take the Refuse to Choose if you can. It is magnificent..
Wen,
How about Barbara’s exercise of rating each activity. 1 -10.com
Then report back to the group on each activity – I’m going to rate and report back (not many 8 or above I know of now).
*Use Athena’s list or make up your own.
*How about Predicting how much satisfaction you think you will get out of the activity before you do it. Than rate how mush satisfaction you really got afterwards – I’ll give that a try.
Also-what about volunteering for some cause-just for a few hours – looking for what interests me there.
Do you have any interest in social change? Some interest – do not know it what area to make a personal mission of.
The drawing-puzzles,etc don’t involve other people. Do you like that or do you like to be with other people? Be with other people -share and collaborate ( I like when people understand what I understand and I have been in jobs where I was sometimes the only on in the dept/office – got too restricted and stranded being by yourself) If I could find a deep pull inside for a personal cause, going solo could be an option.
You are an active participant in this group. How do you rate being in this group? I find others are in the same situation, which is of great support.
And you joined Hanging Out. Those are actions that you took on your own.
Do you belong to any other support groups -internet or real world.? one online. Have been at meetups, but not yet to discover/find what I like to do, something that tugs at my subconscious.
Have you read Wishcraft? Have you done the exercises in Wishcraft? I did. I know I must have some dreams, passions?
I am working on my own dream plan. Should have some ideas formulated by next week. I have got to catch up on my exercises in Refuse to Choose tomorrow.
Looking forward to getting support from the group once I launch my dream.
If you get a chance in the future-take the Refuse to Choose if you can. It is magnificent. Ok
What Do I really want? …… ???? I lost that kidlike play/love aspect.
Wen,
My Authentic self has gone hidden. That is where the magic is – I remember a couple of times it occurred (nothing in childhood but I know it is there) Noticing the MS Zune would flop, a inner sense that Google would become dominant as a startup,
Doing a presentation in college and having the professor say ” Oh and class Eric works for the company.”
( I did not work for the company I did a report on – the report highly impressed the professor)
I put baby angels on the dept. wall as a symbol of remembrance a week after the CT school shootings (the workers were more than impressed)
Hello Eric,
I wanted to write to you all the time. – You obviously have things you like to do – or used to like to do. What concerns you is the missing spark, right? May I utter two associations to that?
Firstly. A friend of mine suffered from a severe depression last year. She said things like “I push myself to making photographs, but I don’t feel any joy about it anymore.” By using everything she could, among the remedies psychotherapy, one hospital against the depression, one against the chronic pain, she recovered over the months. Now she seems much more her own self again, I can see her smile and the glow in her eyes again. And she takes joy in making photographs again.
My second point: modern psychology has it that different states of our mind are like parts of ourselves. They are stored in our brain and called up at different times. Also our memories are stored like that: What you can recall easily (or at all) depends on the state you are in. In a sad mood you can’t remember your happy memories as well as the sad ones (state dependent memory). They seem gone, but you simply cannot call them up right now for brain chemistry reasons.
Our different ages are stored states, too. For example, there might be a younger you that remembers something or wants something, but an internal parent part (not the soothing, fostering one …) might say “doesn’t count” or “you can’t earn money with that”. And your little artist reacts by saying “why bother”. Underneath it may be subdued, sad or hurt and need some soothing. When you identify only with that parent’s voice at that moment, that younger part won’t get any attention and has “no right to speak”.
What I want to say is: when you say “I don’t feel that anymore”, which “I” is speaking at that moment? Might there be other parts, too? It sounds like a blockage. When I’m blocked, often there is something I in fact know but don’t let myself know out of a certain reason I don’t know!
Which parts of me are sitting at the Round Table? Which are left outside and can only express themselves by using overwhelming feelings without language? Could I invite them, too? Let them speak a little? In a diary perhaps or in the Scanner day book or so?
Perhaps there’s something in this you can use right now.
Johanna-
Love everything that you say!
Brought up many associations for me. I love Assagioli -used the subpersonality exercises in cancer healing. I needed to walk some of those poor inner personalities right up that mountain to elevate them and give them a wider perspective. Per the Assagioli exercises.
Eric has a spark-a mission-we all do.
It took 16 billion years to get us here. Not an accident. We are here to help continue the great work-to find joy and to help others find joy and lessen suffering.
As Studs Turkel indicates-see Barbara’s mention of his works-work must be about meaning, astonishment, and wonder.
We all came into life with that spark. We don’t have the right to hide that light.
Just look at what is going on in France as we speak. Sixteen billion years to get us to this point. Do we really have a right to just refuse to find our own unique way to help get us to the 17 billion mark?
Sure it is difficult to find out what our unique contribution is. And sometimes the path involves drudgery in the work -to get to the wonder and astonishment. But we were never promised that the path to satisfying our spirit/soul would be easy.
To paraphrase E F Schumaker-We have insurance/workers comp if our body is injured at work-but none for the soul.
You can see how the negative events in France are helping thousands find and express that spark.
Those cell phone lights aren’t tributes to technology-they are tributes to that spark moving forward for 16 billion years
Athena-
Re: The disability maze
*A few questions:
*Did you work with an attorney when you filed your 6 disability applications?
*Food Stamps -Have you applied within the last few months. A change of income in a month should trigger a new application. Medicaid is like this also. You could be eligible in one month-not eligible in the next-and then eligible again in the next-all depending on monthly income fluctuations.
Re: Soc Security Disability
This is a very complex arena. I cangive you broad outline here.
*There are two planning strategies that you must consider: Long term planning ans short term planning.
*Long term -If you plan to make as much money as possible in the short term-you won’t be able to get disability -you will be making too much money. Social Security calls this the SGA limit=substancial gainful activity.
*But that doesn’t mean that you can’t plan now for a possible worst case scenario in the future. That is-you find that you can no longer work.
*To plan for the possibility of this situ -you need to start documenting your medical problems right now. You have to set up a paper trail to win your future case. SS does not care that much about old medical records. They want to see documentation that you currently have problems.
The only real documentation they accept is the records of your most recent doc visits.
*This means that you have to start making these visits and must start complaining about every little thing-not just back pain. You must document the side effects of that. For example-you can’t sleep due to the pain. That means that you might fall asleep during the day. That means that you can’t do a regular job-you can’t stay awake-you are confused,etc.
These are the rules of the game. If you want to win-you must play by these rules.
*The doc will document what you say in his/her notes.
This is your paper trail for a future case.
*To do all this-you need insurance.
Do you have: Medicaid or the ACA/Obamacare?
It looks like Florida has agreed to the Obamacare expansion of Medicaid. It allows you to have a higher income than the old Medicaid and they won’t look at your assets-money in the bank. Not sure when this will start.
Let me know if you have insurance. We can go from there.
Johanna,
It’s more of a blockage.
Sir Ken Robinson I agree with about schooling.
My why, meant to do, has been blocked off. I have lost touch with that. I am looking to get back to that.
Eric-
RE: Angels for thee children.
Sounds like you found some honey in doing that. You felt the desire and you did it.
What might be stopping you from doing more of that?
As Barbara indicated. There must be an obstacle. She suggests that you look for situations of anger and hurt-especially when you were young.
Have you thought about any of the things she suggested in her post to you?
Wen,
I do not know how to take the angels to the nth degree as Barbara mentions. I also have lot of dreams that involve a lot of people (working on a movie, music production, strategic committee, elaborate meetings events (the theme is I feel I had something to do with the entire operation on these which made a big impact on the audience) Baby angels was a true internal appeal.
The nth degree is where I get stuck. I see you have the nth degree.
Forgot to add something: I assume that there is a kind of WISDOM in your not knowing yet, and in your feelings of confusion or emptiness or how you would call it. I assume that’s there is some protection in EVERY blockage or inner resistance! You cannot just challenge the resistance head-on!
For example: Why don’t I go ahead and give performances? Do I think too badly of myself? Shouldn’t I be more brave, as a woman, and present myself, overcome of the imprinting I have?
I didn’t know it all the time, but now I know, 1. I still get colds every now and then when I’m exhausted from arousal states. Performances make that worse! Don’t. Have fun without extra stress until it’s the right time. Listen to your gut feeling. Fear can be such a gut feeling, too.
2. I shouldn’t challenge my inner critics and risk to get old wounds hurt too readily! As soon as you present yourself, there will be nice people giving you lovely / proper feedback. And there will be the other ones who can’t stand what you’re doing. You get random comments, that can be mean too. Am I really prepared for that? I know (or perhaps I still don’t know really) what the consequences might be: getting injured again, having my inner child hurt again, and then having to deal with that instead of making my art! You never know what you’re dealing with in the dark caves of the soul … It might as well be a volcano or even a Balrog, so be careful and silent. Steps should be LITTLE manageable steps.
It seems like a sortation task to me. There is something hidden from our own eyes from the point of view we are at, at this moment. Something we can learn or someone could point out to us in a lucky moment, something that says “click” and makes things easier. But never, EVER are we “silly” or “stupid” or “it would be easy but I don’t do it” or something like that! Usually we don’t see the whole picture. So every step should be a little baby step at a time, like Shrek said to Donkey. An even minuscule step.
Hope this helps somehow, despite of the flowery metaphors. 😉
Johanna that’s good! Like what you said!
Johanna -Re-the not knowing phase.
That is the Liminal phase I mentioned in my Vision Quest journey-the middle phase-no longer your old self-but no vision yet of the new self-wandering the desert searching for a vision and climbing the mountain.
Not a passive -just waiting phase not just sitting or waiting-doing nothing. It includes walking and searching and crying out for the vision!
Johanna,
you wrote
As Studs Turkel indicates-see Barbara’s mention of his works-work must be about meaning, astonishment, and wonder.
We all came into life with that spark. We don’t have the right to hide that light.
My eyes lit up on the above (WOW) Hope to get inward more and have that: meaning, astonishment, and wonder.
I do feel like I a cheating people out of using my gifts/talents
Eric
Could you tell me what you mean by taking the angels to the 9th degree?
The angels sound like honey for you.
What could be stopping you from not knowing how to put more of that honey into your life?
Have you found any anger and hurt?
Wen,
The nth degree is what Barbara describes how to take a idea and take it to the nth degree with people in hangout or success groups.
The honey has hit a roadblock or crossroads. As for the anger/hurt, nothing yet
Eric,
honey will come. Angels will come.
“I do feel like I a cheating people out of using my gifts/talents.”
Must be painful to feel like cheating others. Especially after your own loss is as big as theirs.
You’ll use your gifts eventually. This is Hanging Out. It’s Identity Rehab. It goes for a full year (and hopefully two, as Barbara once wrote).
Johanna on January 20, 2015 at 1:17 pm said:
“This is Hanging Out. It’s Identity Rehab. It goes for a full year (and hopefully two, as Barbara once wrote).”
It is definitely two years, good Johanna. All ready and waiting for you. 🙂
Eric, you said this: “The nth degree is what Barbara describes how to take a idea and take it to the nth degree with people in hangout or success groups.”
Are you really waiting for a ’10’ to get moving? You describe something you liked doing, but seem to think it’s not wildly passionate enough to count. I hope not!
Barbara,
I did not take this to the nth degree yet. The baby angels was something that came from me that I thought was missing. I like to now what the nth degree is?
Wildly passionate enough? The momentum has fizzled some.
Eric -Thanks for the info on the nth degree. I have just finished the Refuse course this week and am catching up with the Hanging Out stuff.
Yes-I have taken some ideas to the nth degree. These are not all big world changing projects.
For example-I went to the zoo in search of bring more daily joy into my life-in small ways.
I went once-just to test it out -I loved it! Now I go about 350 days per year. I am not changing the world by doing that. I go for the pure joy. Like dancing. You are not dancing in order to get to the other side of the room. You are dancing for the pure joy.
Yesterday-we had a scare. Rose the goose was not in her enclosure with Roosevelt and Franklin. The keeper found her by the merry go round. An owl had tried to pick her up. She is way too big for that. But he got her over a fence and then dropped her. She was traumatized. Her neck was almost touching the ground. But everyone rushed to help. She was put in a very quiet place-lots
of food/water. Her friend Franklin was there to keep her company.
We all talked to her. By the end of the day-her neck was back up in her proud to be a goose position.
Pure joy for me.
You could start with something small like that.
I also did small projects in Nicaragua-but that takes more planning.
For example-many babies die of dehydration -from diarrhea. They have no money-little food.
It was in a village high in the mountains. I heard that a simple sugar/salt/water solution would save lives.
I went there to teach the grade school kids how to mix the solution. They didn’t have any utensils-too poor. So we taught them to measure the sugar by using a coke bottle cap from the trash. The salt was measured by using the top of a pencil -with the eraser removed.
Children must take care of children. The parents are gone for long periods.
And others taught kids how to make baseball mitts out of cardboard.
I have to go to work right now. Will send some ideas re: 26 angel acts of kindness projects that you might take part in.
Wen,
Somewhat of a theme is in what I see, do with ease and like – the noticing of spatial things and where the best use of them are. – I have done that with jigsaw puzzles (they are too easy for me), seeing the fit or non fit in items (MS Zune, IPhone, commercials)
Creative architect is the common theme with ‘seeing’ the outcome.
What can you and/or the hangout group provide with some insights on how to go forward?
Eric
Wow! That is quite a talent. So glad you are tapping into what you do easily and love. We really do miss the obvious sometimes.
To get started, I have a few questions:
You mention the I Phone-MS Zune-commercials. What exactly do you like about that arena?
Could you give us an idea about what you like to do with these? You mention seeing things spatially-and seeing things that are out of place. What does that mean in terms of commercials for example? What aspect do you like-designing the entire commercial? Creative architect-do you mean creating buildings or just designing the architecture of commercials-the structure? Or-do you mean web designing-I Phone?
And-do you have any experience in this-paid or unpaid?
Give us more details. Glad to help!
no experience in what I mentioned. I seem to have lost that ‘gut feeling’ and high spatial vision. Ex: knew Amazon would take over the internet, saw Beanie Babies as being a mega hit, Did not see the Nook as making progress, knew the IPod will become a iconic product and MS Zune would not last, thought JC Penney was going in the wrong direction years ago. I have some of that feeling with commercials also, movies – knew Titanic and theme song will be mega hits.
Jigsaw puzzles: “this piece goes there, that goes here, hmm um , ok this goes there” (how my mind works). Worked at filing/purging and knew (without effort) where 650+ names are in the file room within 2 months. I have wowed others I’d like to wow myself.
There is some creative architect and high something theme in the above. I do get bored easy. Are the above gifts? doing what I love? I’ll like employ my abilities( I know some are buried) somewhere where when I am bored it is still good AND not starve. Sitting at a desk mostly is my opposite.
How may the hangout group help?
Alex-Re: My cancer visualizations and my Vision Quest-Heroine’s Journey. Thanks! Have found that this is the way to deal with any “ordeal” we encounter in life.
I visualized my immune cells-white blood cells,etc as my White Wolves. They were ravenous. They spent a half an hour every day biting into those cancer cells. Sometimes one hour a day for 5-6 months. Those white wolves were so smart. I never had any doubt that they would win. I also visualized seals-as my red blood cells. During conventional treatment-shortness of breath can cause trouble. And I was working full time. No problem. I had a visual for that need for more oxygen. I strapped little oxygen tanks onto their backs-the seals. Then I sent them throughout my body spraying oxygen over all tissues-organs. It worked. I managed to work thru chemo and radiation!
I Had another visual for chemo days. I didn’t want the chemo to hurt the good white and red blood cells. Nasty stuff. So I put flak jackets on all of them and told them not to go near the chemo. I made sure they were protected.
In the end-The Medicine Woman came to heal the tissue-along with her special healing light-at the end of each the whole 6 months.
And it worked. My doc said that I made a miracle happen-my cancer was an advanced cancer.
I have been cancer free for over 12 years. I wanted to pass the gift on. Since then I have been an Insurance Warrior. I say patient lives by fighting insurance companies and HMOs when they deny life-saving treatments. I have become an expert in appealing these denials.
I also counsel patients nationwide in visualizations for healing-teaching not only how to survive -but how to thrive.
Saving patients lives and confronting the Big Boys-insurance companies and HMOs-is what I love. I follow the Michael Moore model and love every minute of it.
I need to be more disciplined re visualizations. BTW, have you found in your counseling of people needing visualizations that blind persons do as well, better, or less well than their sighted counterparts?
David -I’ve worked with patient for 10 years-but have never mentored a blind client.
I would. Think that you might have an advantage in that department.
Let me do some research on that. So far-I have never seen any limitations on what the imagination can do.
A patient was given about 30 days to live. He had a large tumor in his throat. Docs told him not to try chemo. It wouldn’t help-just make him sicker.
He could not even swallow. He saw sharks eating the tumor. In a few weeks-the tumor started shrinking. He began to eat solid food and gain strength. He did so well that they decided to try radiation.
In 2 months with visualizations and radiation -the tumors disappeared!
He then used the visuals to help him return to fly fishing. He had arthritis. He visualized taking a file and filing down the spurs on his bones. It worked well enough to enable him to return to fishing.
But this doesn’t work for everyone. No problem. You could try it -as long as you don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t work!
Good luck.
I wonder why it works for some and not for others. Perhaps, there are psychoneuroimmunological events happening at biochemical, emotional, and quantum levels?
David- Yes-it is a mystery. There are so many different causes and so many elements involved in healing.
Life is mysterious. Lot’s of contradictions. We don’t like that. We prefer rigid categories of right/wrong either/or.
I prefer transcend and include. Go up to a higher/more complex level and include any beneficial element we can find from all the contradictory categories below.
I have been thinking recently about the capacity to regenerate limbs that some life forms have.
The regeneration is triggered by a wound-a loss. Could that old mechanism be -in part- responsible for the generation of new growth -a tumor-when we have psychological wounds that prevent our creative growth in the outer world.
Maybe it is like resistance. Maybe it thinks it is helping us to grow and create something new.
That foiled creative fire again.
We are composed not only of the neo cortex. We also still hold all those old evolutionary responses.
There is much that we don’t know.
David-forgot to add. If tumor growth is related to the regeneration of limbs in response to loss/wounds-then maybe we should react to that mechanism in the same way that we can react to Resistance.
We could say, “Hello tumor. I know that you are just trying to help me get over this wound thru new Growth. But -don’t worry. I am expressing my creative fire both in the outer and inner world. So-you don’t need to hang around any longer. Bye bye now!”
All I know is that the body is very conscious and all those little cells listen to every word we say.
Hi, I wonder what my glaucoma wanted to tell me.
David -Re: Your work issue.
I can only give you general info. Figures vary by state and other things.
But it is not true that you will lose all benefits if you work.
This area is very complex-lots of rumors are wrong.
Here is some very general info to give you an idea:
*You usually can make up to around 1500.and still get a tiny amount from SSI. You would not lose SSI eligibility.
Soc Security does not count all of your income. Also they have what they call disregards-the don’t certain amounts.
In general the don’t count 29 and then they subtract another 65xand then they don’t count one half of your work income.
Crazy making. So-it all means that you might be able to make around 1500-which would mean that you might only get around 13-14 from SSI.
But you would still be on SSI-which could mean benefits in other areas.
Medicaid has a program to help you keep Medicaid and do trial work.
Medicare does too.
THEY WANT TO GET YOU OFF THE ROLLS!!!
So they give you incentives to work.
These rumors-that you can’t work-persist. Not true any longer.
But these figures vary somewhat by state.
What state are you in. I can refer you to an agency in your stat that would calculate the exact figures-so you don’t make any mistakes and lose benefits.
Let me know where you live.
You just might be able to work.
Is that your dream?
We all joined this group to work on our dreams. What a great space.
Thanks for the interesting information. I will look into it soon because I heard Obama just signed an Able Account Law into effect. I had heard that with SSI for every $2 you earn above the first $85 they remove $1 of your SSI. I heard that with SSDI you can make up to $1800. It may be different in Louisiana. Of course, I need to find something workwise. Thanks for your help. Very much appreciated.
Hi, Wen, I’m running out of reply buttons to find.
No, work is in no way my dream. If I never had to work in my life, it’d be too nice. I have no skills the world really needs or would benefit from in a significant way. But unless I marry money, not likely, or suddenly inherit a trust fund, not likely, I have no other choices. I did understand that I can earn some money and keep some benefits. But it’s to figure out what. If I make anything, the tiny bit of SSI goes, with that Medicaid is impactedand something called the dhqualified member benefit, and also Snap, and also my apartment rent. So I have to make a decent chunk just to stay above water. I worry with my rather unpredictable health, I can’t always work a 40 hour week. I just feel caught in a Catch 22. I have been told different things by different SSA workers, too, after incredibly long phone waits. Even Social Security lawyers I have tried to talk to are no help. They want to help you get SSDI or whatever, but then they are on to the next case. I tried talking to a blind lawyer at one of the big over-the-top blind consumer organizations and she told me to read the SSA website. So much for trying to find paid help.
David-
You can make up to about $1500 per month and still stay on SSI.
You would still be on
SSI. But your SSI would be reduced to about $15. So- $1500+ 15 per month.
Midicaid in most states has a special program called 250 Percent Program. It allows you to work and not lose Medicaid.
Also- the income rules for the blind might allow you to make more. Then-some states add to the federal SSI maximum amount of money you can get from SSI.
You don’t have to calculate this yourself. Advocates forced Soc Security to help anyone trying to return to work. They demanded a special counseling program called TICKET TO WORK. They give you a vocational counselor who will walk you through the process and make sure you don’t lose benefits.
You may also be able to get govt sponsored rehab training in different skills/careers. The government pays for the computer training and other training. They then help you look for work.
Also- there is something called the Trial Work Program.
This encourages you to try out working without losing benefits if you find that you are too sick to work. They know that people won’t try work for fear that they will be too sick to continue-forcing them to apply from scratch.
You are now free to test out work and quit if it is too much for you.
You didn’t say which state you are in. These rules vary.
Ask your local SOC SECURITY office for a referral to the TICKET TO WORK counselor for an interview.
Good luck!
Eric-
Your willingness to do the work and try every option is impressive. You sound passionate about your search-the adventure!
We are looking forward to having your report in and rate your experiments in finding your best life!
Wen,
My report thus far is lacking in any curiosity, the ” I want to know more about this, I can not stop thinking about it” I feel I’m waiting as stated otherwise is a post.
Wen,
warrior. I like that term. The doing what I love is still elusive. No little spark of interest or others say ” Why isn’t this out there for people to use?”
Eric
Eric-Didn’t you mention that you loved the Hero’s Journey idea? And didn’t you mention wanting a mission before?
Athena-Barbara-and I mentioned doing small things daily -things you like-in order to build some energy.
We didn’t mean that you can’t also have a mission-like a warrior mission. You can do both. I do both to stay well. I am more of a mission type person myself.
But I learned to balance that with the simple pleasures of daily life-like visiting my friend Wendall-the owl daily. This helps reduce the stress of being an insurance warrior. It sometimes is very difficult-fighting big insurance companies who only look at the bottom line profit of the health situation. And I am dealing with life threatening situations. Some of my clients could die if I can’t win the treatment/procedure. That means lots of stress. I don’t want to sacrifice my own health. So-I leave my desk and go to talk to my owl friend. That refreshes me and I am able to go back to the insurance warrior mode.
My motto – Don’t wait till you feel better to do something. Do something first-then you will feel better as a result.
And-you can find a mission -that is your long term goal. Short term-just do anything to build energy. Use Athena’s list or what you did as a child.
And use your obstacle now”you feel stuck” as part of your hero’s journey. You are already on your hero’s journey. This is just one “ordeal” on the path.
Pick up a sword and slay this ordeal dragon.
You have many more adventures ahead.
You are on the path of your grail search.
We are all warriors. See yourself as one. You are up to the task.
You say:
My motto – Don’t wait till you feel better to do something. Do something first-then you will feel better as a result.
I have learned that I can’t always do something when I am not feeling well. It depends on the something. But I do know I have to get up or try to and do something. Maybe it’s just cleaning the bathroom floor and then going back to bed. Maybe, I wake up at 3:25 a.m. and feel energized so I get up and do email or edit my journal or organize something. I just can’t always do something, if it’s a long complex something, when I am unwell. But I think you mean, do something, don’t always put off. Or I hope I took your meaning. It’s such an individual thing. And doing “something” can be a range of things. I respect your insurance expertise. That stuff makes my brain shut down. Trying to figure out if SSI and SSDI benefits and Snap and other benefits are negatively impacted by halftime work makes my mind shut down. I know of people who’d like to work; but as they can only work halftime, they can’t make enough money, to replace all of the money they’d lose from benefits including insurance.
David-I know it is difficult to do things when you are not well. And you do have to honor your body enough to allow it to rest when it needs rest. It is trying to heal you. It is not your enemy-though it may appear that way. So again we hit what appears to be a contradiction And either/or sit.
But you can do both when appropriate. Both/-transcend and include both.
Rest when your body needs rest. Pamper yourself. Athena gave you a great list of how to do that.
As for acting first. Cancer patient help themselves heal by not putting off their dreams until -“When I get better I will do this dream or that thing.” That doen’t work. Remember-conquering cancer means living well/creatively today. Putting off your dreams until when you get well won’t work.
The goal is to find something that gives you joy-some little thing to start-and put it in your life every day. You have to do it consciously. You have to schedule it. Again-refer to Athena’s posts for suggestions or figure out your own
I have seen”terminal” cancer patients do this and thrive-some got better.
I know a woman who was classified as terminal. The doctor told her that all he could do would be to put her on lifetime chemo. What? You know how hard jthat is on the body-just a few infusions can be very difficult.
But when I met her-she had been on chemo for three years with no end in sight!
And she was the happiest person you will ever meet.
And what made her happy? She went horseback riding every day! She even did it with the chemo bag strapped to her at times.
She couldn’t afford to wait until she got better to do the things that made her happy. She did have problems-severe pain in her feet from the chemo. But nothing stopped her.
David -I can help with the SSI/SSDi Snap/work problem thing. The insure warrior thing is my expertise-and I do have to know something about SSDI, etc. To do my job.
It is quite complex -a maze.
To start-are you getting both SSI ans SSDI?
If you are getting SSI-that is what is blocking you from getting the Snap food stamps. It is the result of a glitch in the law. SSI is considered more of a welfare type program. SSDI is not a welfare program-it is based on your work history. Therefore-it does not have the same restrictions as SSI.
So-do you have Medicare also-and Medicaid to supplement your Medicare?
You mentioned work. Do you want to work? How many hours per week? Do you have any idea re how much you would make?
Let me know$
But basically-it is the SSI that is causing the problem. You should have no problem working and maintaining your benefits with SSDI . It is not considered an entitlement program.
Eric-
We need to get into the minute details to offer you suggestions -to get an idea of your unique self-your unique way of being in the world.
We could start with Barbara’s exercise to pinpoint the info:
*How about doing the take a walk thru you house and rating things you see. 1-10.com
What do you like? Dislike. You must be specific. Ex-Pots and pans. “I like them. I love to cook.”
Or-Hate to cook-2.
*What did you want to be when you grew up? A cowboy? A scientist? A what?
An artist? A gardener?
We need detail at this stage!
Also-Barbara has a great exercise in Refuse To Choose. I have to find the page number. It might expose any blocks you might have to knowing what you enjoy.
Also-forgot to ask-do you have an interest in psychology-spirituality in any for.
You did say that you liked the warrior thing.
What did you like about that?
8 and above for the following = TV – all the functions that do a specific task and blend well with the other functions
Plants – the flow and function they have, growing but create / blend together.
(not feeling the love yet)
I know I understand things quickly, sometimes without the internal realization.
What did I want to be when I grew up? I do not remember that.
I do want to get specific – that is where my uniqueness lies (why do I love to do this)
That love part is where one does not get stuck, wandering, and “what do I do next?”
The warrior I can see myself being once. As a child I was told “you don’t stop, you finish what you are doing, if you aching , hurt, shirt soaked in sweat, regardless of the weather… etc
The blockage I have has that lost feeling.
Eric x I like that stuff about the plants-individual plants each expressing their uniqueness -but creating and flowing together to make a whole.
That might be a goal for all of us. That is a kind of love. They just do it. It is what they love to do.
Sounds like you could start there-with plants.
And you marked these things an 8????
That is really a love of yours.
The question is how to start getting that into your life in a small way daily.
It is the small daily pleasures that sustain us. You don’t have too have some big thing now.
You mentioned that-as a child- you were told that you finished everything. We learned in the Refuse group that we can give ourselves permission to drop anything as soon as it doesn’t hold Honey/love any longer.
Sometimes we don’t start. We are afraid that we will be stuck with it long after we no longer get honey from the flower.
Barbara says that we don’t criticize the bee when it moves on to the next sweet flower/sweet project.
There are a million sweet things we might try. We can start anywhere-stay with it as long as we get honey from the flower-then drop it and move on to the next thing you enjoy.
We have permission to do that.
And she says that we should not wait for that One Big Thing,Project that will fix all of our problems once we discover what it is.
It doesn’t exist. There are many small and large pleasures for all of us-not one thing.
Here is one of my almost daily pleasures:
My daily zoo trip to see my friends:
First I go to say hello to Kashi and Amir.They are camels. Kashi has a floffy head of hair and bangs. Camels are obstinate. If someone hurts their feelings-they can hold a grudge and will refuse to move.
Kashi is young and silly. She has pure joy when she sees her keeper. She leaps straight up in the air and falls down on her knees with her legs spread.I thought she broke them the first time she did this. She flops down on her big plastic ball too.
She rubs against her shed when she wants to play say hello.
Then I move on to say hello to Spirit-aneagle from a rehab center in Alaska.
Part of her win is amputated. But that doesn’t stop her.
She sends out a call when she says hello to me. Sometimes she gets excited when I talk to her. She flaps her wings and tries to fly down to a lower branch. She loves games -especially hide and seek.
Then say hello to Pasayo and Irwin. They are two capuchin monkeys.
One is 33 years old.
Next-I visit a large family of capuchins. I have know Mateo since his birth. He throws himself against the wire wall and screams and screams when he sees me. He has a new trick. He takes a bamboo branch and strips the leaves. The stick is about 3 feet long. He then tries to poke it through the wire to reach me. He wants me to pull on the other end so we can play.
Then-I talk to Gumby an parrot. She has a very large vocabulary-the intelligence of a three year old.
She asks me,”What kind of parrot are you?” I try to explain -but it doesn’t work.
Next-I say hello to Eloy -the emu. Now I have to be careful here. Wendall my owl friend can see Eloy from her cage. She is very jealous-well mad about me really. She stretches her neck around the corner of her cage and watches my every move with Eloy.
Eloy grunts a hello-sounds like a fog horn.
Then-I visit my favorite-Wendall. She jumps up and down and pretends that she is flying at 50miles an hour-while her claws grasp the perch. Quite a trick. All the time. Then she tuns and flies over to a shelf where she has hidden hr dead rat-frozen. Smae routine every day. She picks up the dead rate -turns around with the rate hanging out of her mouth-and says-“Let’s do lunch. Want to share?” Well-I think that is what she is saying.
I don’t want to be rude. So I thank her for the offer but no thanks -“I just ate.”
That seems to work No offense. She has been making the same offer daily for a few years now!
Wen,
I feel the love you have for your job – doing what it takes to do what you love.
I have lost my unique self.
Here are answers to your questions:
8 and above for the following = TV – all the functions that do a specific task and blend well with the other functions
Plants – the flow and function they have, growing but create / blend together.
(not feeling the love yet)
I know I understand things quickly, sometimes without the internal realization.
What did I want to be when I grew up? I do not remember that.
I do want to get specific – that is where my uniqueness lies (why do I love to do this)
That love part is where one does not get stuck, wandering, and “what do I do next?”
The warrior I can see myself being once. As a child I was told “you don’t stop, you finish what you are doing, if you aching , hurt, shirt soaked in sweat, regardless of the weather… etc
The blockage I have has the lost feeling.
Eric –
Barbara has a section on blocks to action -when you just can’t move. The following is from the Refuse book.
*Top obstacles
*You fear critics=You feel watched, so you are trying to be perfect.
Whatever you do never seems good enough.
*You created a “See, it is impossible list.”
*You’ve inadvertently made the project too big.
*You don’t feel entitled to just do whatever you want. You think you don’t have a right to do what makes you happy. You should be thinking of other people-not just yourself.
*You think you are the problem. You think you don’t have what it takes or you are not really trying.
Barbara says that any of the above could be your obstacle if you can’t get into action.
Do you believe that you have any of these obstacles holding you back?
Worked all day yesterday with folks who failed to sign up for the ACA/Obamacare last year. This is the last chance to sign up for 2015.com
If anyone is in this position-here is a last minute tip:
Deadline-15th.
*Rule: Everyone must have insurance!
*Sign up-or pay a penalty= 95 dollars or 1 percent of your income for 2014.
*2015 – 325.com
*Will be over 1,000 in the future.
*Start at healthcare.gov. You will be directed from that point.
*Too late to figure it all out-very complex.
Just attempt to do anything to register. They will allow you extra time later to work out the details if you can show that you tried.
Wen,
I just read your response about my liking of plants and your zoo visit. You have a plateful of doing things you love.
Mine is far from there. I understand the Refuse to choose comment , but you do want to accomplish something as the bees do at every flower and feel like you are moving ahead and not being stuck (how I feel) You do not want to be poor by just doing things part of the way (making 1/2 a painting, getting customers for your business and not following up to fully service the customers.
I see myself as not knowing what I really and truly want. It is buried somewhere. Everyone DOES know what they really want.
Wen,
I can feel the lo e you have for your job and doing everything able.
I have lost my unique self somewhere.
Here are my answers to your questions:
and above for the following = TV – all the functions that do a specific task and blend well with the other functions
Plants – the flow and function they have, growing but create / blend together.
(not feeling the love yet)
I know I understand things quickly, sometimes without the internal realization.
What did I want to be when I grew up? I do not remember that.
I do want to get specific – that is where my uniqueness lies (why do I love to do this)
That love part is where one does not get stuck, wandering, and “what do I do next?”
The warrior I can see myself being once. As a child I was told “you don’t stop, you finish what you are doing, if you aching , hurt, shirt soaked in sweat, regardless of the weather… etc
The blockage I have has that lost feeling.
Johanna-
Thanks for the support.
I try to keep my balance in a number of different ways:
* 3-4 days fighting HMOS.
*Then-I reverse completely.
*I spend even more time with the zoo animals.
*I spend lots of time studying the evolution of consciousness my favorite topic.
*I practice a form of medical qigong used to help cure cancer in China.
*And I have been a student of the teachings of Sri Aurobindo for years=karma yoga/meditation/Witness consciousness.
Bottom line-I remind myself that I am responsible for the action. I can’t control the response to my action-not in charge of the world. I try to not be too attached to the outcome. I do all I can-then have to turn it all over.
Sounds like a contradiction. But it works for me-not identified with my role.
I met a wonderful surgeon in the course of my work. He couldn’t get hearts donated for his patients over 65. The organs went to younger people. He. Needed more hearts to save more people.
He came up with a plan. They throw away the donor hearts with clogged arteries. So-he took those hearts out of the trash -so to speak- and just gave the heart a by-pass after it was taken out of the donor.
He now has a slew of used hearts that he can use for his patients over 65. He has saved many lives-but is very humble.
e saved one of my clients.
He was asked how he remained so humble. He is world famous.
He answered: “Because I am not doing the work. It is being done thru me. I am just the instument.”
That is how I feel.
Thanks again for the support.
Sometimes you block that cruelly forbidden feeling with anger, Eric. Not rage but a held-down, bitter kind of anger. I don’t know if that is actual depression or just masquerades as it, but your words make me think of depression every time you explain that you don’t know what you want.
Here’s the thing about depression – from the real and extreme clinical kind all the way down to the ‘blahs:’ its main symptom is that you don’t want anything.
And until you find a way to blow out that historical anger and the hurt that will follow it, you might not be able to know what you want. There’s a little kid inside you and he’s the one whose dreams and interests were mistreated by people who saw only themselves when they looked at him and his natural curiosity and openness.
He’s the one who’s in charge of this. There’s something he wants before he’ll return the key to your locked-up desire: probably the chance to express his feelings and have them respected by the grown-up person you are now.
Barbara,
How do I get the kid out of me. I’m here for help that I probably did not get as a child. The kid does want to get out.
Eric, you said: “Eric on January 13, 2015 at 6:38 pm said: Edit
Barbara,
How do I get the kid out of me. I’m here for help that I probably did not get as a child. The kid does want to get out.”
You never get the kid out of you any more than you get English as your first language out of you. You are now every age you ever were.
But the kid has unfinished business and you’re inadvertently being an angry, cold parent to him. You care very little about the injustice and suffering he has gone through.
You have to be him and let your/his feelings come out if you ever want to get out of that dull, hard place you live in now. You have to have compassion for that kid, not feel self-righteousness. Nobody cared, that’s what’s wrong, and you don’t care either. You just want to get him out of you.
After weeping and raging and weeping some more he’ll go back to sleep like any hurt kid who has been allowed to express himself and who feels heard and acknowledged. And your contemporary self will have a window of time in which to be awake to what you really want and get started on it.
Other things will trigger the kid to come awake again, and you’ll have to do the same thing again. After all, this wall wasn’t put up by that kid in one event, it went on for a long time.
But each time he lets out his feelings, the ones he never let out before because nobody cared, he’ll stay comfortably asleep for longer and longer periods until one day he hardly shows up at all.
None of this happens when you want him ‘out’ of you.
Barbara,
Good. I do not want the kid out as you thought, but getting what I have inside out to the world. I do feel cheating the world by not doing what I love
Eric-
Have to work all day today. Will respond in detail later today or tomorrow-as soon as I finish the work project.
The part about everyone knowing what they love and you don’t. Think about what you just said about yourself-comparing yourself to all these other people.
How could that possibly be true? Think of all the books/workshops/articles that you know about to help people find and do what they love. They are bestsellers. That means that there are a million people who are searching for their path. Yet-you say that you are the only one who can’t find what you love.
This does not square with what you know to be true.
You have a love of plants-to start. But it sounds like you are telling yourself that this love of plants cannot be used as a starting point to get you into some kind of action-any action. From that action -you just might find more things you love-both with plants and in other areas.
You can start today with one small step.
What action could you take today that involves creativity and plants?
How about naming 5possible small projects/actions to put plants/creativity in your life today?
Something that would take at least an hour.
Send us your list of 5.
We will walk you through the one hour if necessary.
And would love to hear what you are saying to yourself during that hour.
Looking forward to seeing your list.
Wen,
I don’t have many plants.
My list: prune and check water, arrange plants by color, lay out plant vines so they have some artistic shape, arrange by size
Johanna-
It sounds like you have many great ideas for your honey projects.
You could start with a small one and try out the flowchart in Wishcraft. It doesn’t have to be a big project.
I also use-What We May Be-Piero Ferrucci. I use these methods to avoid identifying too much with each role.
The flowchart is just great. Have used it many times.
Also-see the Refuse exercise about scheduling all the things you want to try in the next few years.
You can start with what you love. Then -try out other projects next year.
I can’t find reply buttons when the thread of posts goes too long. I wanted to say how brave and inspiring fluffy socked, big T-shirted Athena is. So sending this out randomly, in the hope she sees it sometime…..
I’m replying to David’s comment here as we seem to have lost the reply buttons.
“Horses: Answering here as don’t see any more reply buttons after Alex’s horse message.
Alex:
the late British writer, Rosemary Suttcliffe wrote many historic young adult novels about early Britain. One is called Sun Horse, Moon Horse about the white horses. My favorite of her novels is Blood Feud about a British boy who ends up in Constantinople guarding the emperor.”
I remember her books, David. Not the Blood Fued one but certainly the ancient Britain ones. I was a proud member of the Puffin Club and excitedly awaited my monthly members magazine. I managed to find one on EBay a few years ago ( the Puffin Club mag)
Johanna-
WOW! All those questions are pretty deep. Might take a lifetime to figure out all that. And I don’t have all the answers -for sure.
But I found that you don’t need to have all the answers to the big questions in order to heal and find contentment. Patients don’t have time to wait to get all the answers to the universal questions
And when you are sick-in treatment-you just have to find the small daily things that give you joy. Like the Flowchart. You have to start with some small act and put it into your like today. Do something that you love-something that you have always wanted to do. Like build a bird sanctuary in your back yard. I know a woman who was told she had only 3 months to live. She had always loved birds. So -she figured why not build one in her yard. She still had enough energy.
She worked on it every day and continued treatment. She started feeling better and better. She was doing what she loved every day. Eventually-she became cancer free. There is never a guarantee that will happen. But why not spend whatever time you do have left doing what you love. That applies to all of us.
The STARTING isn’t that complex. You don’t need the answers to the big questions before you start. You just need to admit that you already know what you love-your honey-give yourself permission to do it-and then do some part today. Or should I say give that little child permission to do what she loves?
Got to go back to work. Will write more tomorrow.
When you’re helping others (like David, for example), I get a glimpse of a possible solution.
I see some of the opaqueness in that wall against knowing what you care about disappearing when you step forward, like you have in the comment above, to help someone in trouble.
That very possibly indicates two things: 1) the wall is deliberately opaque; there is a grudge to settle and it has not been resolved (hopefully ‘primal’ or ‘silent’ screaming will fix that one day, but I don’t see you running towards it and we have to respect that; and 2) it’s time to talk about Drive.
I’ve scheduled it to come up later in Hanging Out, but you need to hear about it now. Drive is that thing that makes you step forward and act, even when you’d rather not, to do something about a situation you find intolerable; like injustice, involuntary helplessness, illness – it’s different in each of us. And not everyone has it. But most of us do.
Nobody tells us what Drive is so I went looking. I’ve found that it’s something that uses our talents, but that’s not what fuels it. What fuels it is some kind of childhood deficit, some agony against which the child was helpless. The lightbulb went on when a doctor told me that dedicated doctors are all counter-phobic: they rush towards what they fear and hate most, determined to conquer it.
That’s passion. I rarely use the word for a number of reasons. I think it’s pointless to want to be driven when you’re not, and I don’t think most people should go looking for their passion if they can find fulfillment in doing what they love and are genetically designed to do.
But the biggest reason I don’t advise searching for passion is because passion doesn’t typically make you ‘happy.’ It makes feel compelled to do certain things, and that isn’t always what you wish you could do. Berthold Brecht’s line, which I learned over 45 years ago and have never forgotten illustrates what I mean: “Surely it is hard to live in a time when to talk about trees is a kind of silence about injustice.”
He really wanted to talk about the beauty of nature. But he couldn’t stop himself from trying to overcome injustice.
Instead of looking for what you love to do – which you may have lots of reasons to avoid at this stage in your development – maybe you’ll have to look at those things you can’t help trying to fix.
The Alex who writes to David is a different Alex than the one who finds nothing to be in love with.
So ask yourself this: If no one helped David at all, and you found that your computer didn’t let you step in and communicate with him as you did above – that is, you couldn’t possibly offer any kind of help at all – how much do you think that would bother you?
Before you answer, imagine it as fully as you can. Because you don’t know the answer yet. You have to discover it by imagining what I described in the paragraph just above. Take you time. Then tell us what you have discovered.
Where is the comment about David? I think I am lost in the tread.
🙂 Athena sees it!
And yes for sure I have grousy days, but I think of Maya Angelou who says “just because I have pains doesn’t mean I have to be one.”
And as I have mentioned, my juice, my reason d’etre, is helping others. 🙂 Being here, typing here, helps me feel better.
Oh faff. It won’t let me post emojis!!
I think you have to manually type them eg :+-+) = 🙂
Barbara-Words of wisdom!
Boy, have I been there-done that at times in my life.
I needed to shake myself out of all that inner child abuse and resentment real fast when I was diagnosed. I knew my life depended on it.
I guess there are a thousand paths out of that mood.
This is what worked for me:
I relaxed and closed my eyes.
*Then I went to a beautiful place in my mind.
*I asked that wounded little child to come into the picture.
*I then told her that I was really interested in hearing about her needs and what gave her joy.
* Yikes! She just cursed me out-told me that I was abusing her by not allowing her to have any fun -enjoy life. She said that I was only interested in big projects and doing what others wanted-not what she wanted.
Wow! That little girl can curse like a sailor when she gets made.
*Had to promise her that I would learn to respect her needs-put her first-and allow her to do what she loves-every day.
Well-we had a rocky start. But I met with her every day for almost a year. Had to apologize for many errors.
*You have probably guessed it already.
She loves Wendall the owl and her friends at the zoo!
She is a very happy camper now. That was many years ago.
Wen, does she have a name? Or is she just Little Wen? I tried something like this a number of years ago. I discovered 5! Four of them had names and quite clear personalities ( and time frames in my life). But one remained ( remains still) in the shadows. She refuses to be named or to take an active part in “our adventures”. I really don’t know how to bring her in further.
Alex- Yes-I have many too.
The name for that one is “Little.”
But there are others.
I used the book-What We May Be -Piero Ferrucci.
This is based on the work of Roberto Assagioli.
Lots of exercises-but a great adventure!
That’s a very wonderful process, Wen. I’m impressed! And it seems to have had a powerful effect.
The one I’m talking about is very simple, and usually the solution, when no other will work, for Resistance to anything you really want to do. It’s all about repressing a feeling, and the feeling is almost invariably emotional pain. Sometimes there’s anger, but once it’s out, the pain is always there and also has to come out. Simply said, Eric the grownup really does want to know what he wants. But the child whose dreams and wishes were so badly treated is angry and stubborn and wants to show the world how badly he was treated. That means Eric has to go somewhere private and start being that kid and roaring his anger out like an angry kid. And after he does that a few times, he’ll probably feel like weeping. Which I hope he will do.
Sometimes fear shows up, fear of feeling emotional pain. You shouldn’t force that, you sometimes have to back away from fear, if you’re new at this and you’re alone. In that case you (grownup or inner kid) just look for a safer reason to cry. Something smaller, to prevent an explosion of grief. Even crying at movies is fine.
In any event, whether he can get to feelings or not, Eric does have to talk to (or maybe write a letter to) the kid saying he knows how hard it was and how unfair it was, and he wants to be a better parent to his inner kid than his real parents were. But even this is to bring up the sadness.
I think your inner kid was angry. It was fun to read about her. Was she holding in any hurt that no one had rescued her when she was small?
Does this all sound insane to the rest of you?
That’s my original training. A kind of primal scream confrontation therapy invented in the early ’60’s in New York. It taught me all these smart things I keep saying. That, and life.
Barbara-Hey-Primal Screem! I remember that.
Absolutely -hurt that I wasn’t rescued when young. Then-hurt that the it was being done a second time-but now I was doing it to me! So-both anger and hurt.
Only remedy I found for any of it was to say yes to the inner child Yes to me. There was any Parent saying no to the inner child any longer. It was my inner adult saying no to the inner child.
Only remedy-let her scream-yell-cry. Then -keep asking her what she wants.
Saying yes to myself-was saying yes to her.
She was right to curse at me. I had ignored her needs.
She doen’t curse any more. She is too busy playing with Wendall and all her other friends at the zoo!
Sounds totally reasonable to me, expressed simply and friendly. I’m doing emotional work with my inner child for a long time now. Different approaches, different stages, spiraling path. I like your direct way to describe it, to start with the pure feeling.
Unbelievable how there’s so much anger and behind that so much hurt. The own feelings of pain are not easy to endure and accompany. As a grown-up, we have to learn to endure and treat it better than the persons who gave us our imprintings in the first place. So we have to relearn those automatic patterns that say “avoid it, it’s dangerous – run!”. That’s something – something big!
Learning to be your own adult and your own parent – and a different one than your models were! – is really hard! But necessary. To develop compassion in this process really takes time and practice.
One essential moment for me is to stay there when my kid on the inside is furious, and listen to her, although her feelings don’t fit the actual situation. It’s tricky to on the one hand take it serious and on the other hand manage to see is as divided from other people and actual circumstances. I tend to be mad at others.
And one other essential moment is when she is crying on th inside like mad – it was really difficult to get that. Not to get angry again, mad at the person who did this to me, but stay there with the pain. Realizing that moment I used to abandon myself (tragically and naturally, like those people did in my past) – and staying.
Also, it’s a process. Takes time. Takes carefulness, compassion and respect.
I’m glad to see it’s not only a topic for me but for many others, too. It’s not a sign for being especially broken but it’s part of the way.
Well and intelligently said, Johanna. I’m glad to hear how many people understand the damage repressed emotions can create.
But there’s something that seems to make it hard for people to deal with it simply and effectively – well, two things:
The first is the notion that feeling anger – or any feelings – means expressing it to the person who triggered it. Most huge feelings don’t fit the situations we find ourselves in as adults. A memory has been triggered. If it had been expressed as children naturally do from the day they’re born until they’re taught not to – by going somewhere alone or with someone who understands what you’re doing – and screaming at the top of your lungs until you simply don’t feel that feeling any more – most of us would see the incredible results.
What follows an emotional blowout of rage – the way kids do it – is a feeling of calm strength. I’ve seen it hundreds of times and done it myself on many occasions. If some other adult has actually done something that deserves your anger, screaming and giving ultimatums makes you weak. Feeling calm and clear and firm keeps you from getting confused or extreme or tipped-over in any way. You can confront anyone without fear and with no need to raise your voice. And it has a huge impact.
That’s why it’s such a good idea to get out your feelings in a big way *before* you deal with the people who have triggered them. That’s the first thing it’s hard to get people to understand: expressing a big feeling does not mean expressing it to the people who triggered it.
The second problem is screaming. At the top of your lungs, over and over until the feeling is ‘out.’ That’s just plain hard to do for a grownup, and it frightens the neighbors. I’ve been asked to help people with this at actor’s rehearsal studios.
But I knew that wouldn’t be enough, so I developed something that actually makes a difference for many people. I call it the Silent Scream. It just requires that, whenever you feel emotionally backed up, even when you have no idea what the feeling is, that you go somewhere private and quiet, close your eyes, and imagine yourself screaming at the top of your lungs, everything you’re feeling. Ten times. Even if you feel you’re finished after 5 or 7 you must go the whole 10 with an imaginary scream that is long and would use up all your breath if you were doing it out loud. I’m sure it doesn’t work for everyone, but for many of us it’s as good as bashing the mattress with a tennis racket and screaming at top volume. And it’s silent, so we’ll actually do it!
You already know about emotional pain: that the times pain has exploded out of you and you wept without control until it was all gone, you felt calm and peaceful for many days. Doing that voluntarily is hard, but it would save us all so much misery and so many mistakes. But pain feels so dangerous. Unless you remember that small children express it with no trouble at all.
And pain is almost always under anger – often the pain that someone would treat you so badly that you’d feel angry in the first place. Whether you’re right or wrong, that feeling must be expressed, and it must be expressed first, in private, before you deal with anyone who may have triggered it.
And you have to do this whenever you feel big feelings, every time they rumble inside you. If they show up, you’re not finished. Maybe you will never be finished. You gathered those wounds inside you for years, your most formative years, and it can take years to make them disappear to the point where they almost never show up any more.
Johanna-
WOW! You are really willing to face all this. I admire that. And-yes-you are not weird/unusual.
I think that we all have these obstacles from childhood that keep us from living our own unique life.
I have found that giving myself permission to do what I love has been the key.
I don’t need permission from “them.” I need permission from me!
Looking forward to hearing about your path ahead.
Barbara,
thanks for you answer! I really didn’t expect anything like this discussion when signing up for Hanging Out. I’m impressed, a bit overwhelmed, but surely this whole topic is where my biggest blockage is. Fortunately, I never stopped doing what I like. I never did; I think I couldn’t. I’m productive in many fields. It’s the emotional landscape that needs fundamental changing.
It’s not like I act out emotions towards others all the time either. I’m rather controlled, often very polite, caring, courteous – although there can be sparks of anger or a too fast, too sharp sentence I didn’t mean to say… Because I know how sharp my language can be, I sometimes hold my opinion back even more! Almost bursting on the inside. Writing about everything in my diary and keeping balance; talking about it with my partner or with very close friends. I managed to explain really difficult things in an authentic, but grown-up way. Learned a lot about that in the past 3-4 years …
It’s the mixture of held-down emotions inside of me that’s so difficult for me. It’s STRESSFUL. And it adds to my own permanent stress to think badly about myself (“How can anybody clear in her mind be so full of bad thoughts and extreme feelings?! Am I nuts or only labile?”)
Everyone in my family is so full of not-expressed emotions that I often can’t bear them. My parents, sisters, all that anger, hurt, mortification, shame, feeling of guilt … I can’t watch them deal with their grandchildren/kids and doing all this imprinting again! And I know about my grandparents and their situation and how this added to our situation when I was small. There’s a refugees’ story and the story of a patriarchal family behind this.
Barbara, do you suggest doing this expressing-emotions-work for a couple of years – as long as I have those feelings – for example, crying in the afternoon when I have time … until things are getting better? It sounds so tiring!
“But pain feels so dangerous. Unless you remember that small children express it with no trouble at all.” Of course, that’s the problem: we internalized that these feelings were inhibited, “bad” feelings. So I’ll give it a try. Years ago, a therapist taught me how to shout and really beat up a big cushion. I don’t do that anymore, although I still have the impressive list of swearwords I wrote down back then. 😉 Should I try again?
I’m willing to help my Little one. This afternoon, I tried crying and the Silent Scream. After that I slept. I feel tired, mournful, calmer, thin-skinned, private. I hope it’s good for my energy level and my immune system, because I suffer from Chronique Fatigue Syndrome (frequent arousal => exhaustion => immune system suppression => frequent infections). Feeling closer to myself is something I could do with, too. I’m at it. Not only feeling my feelings but sensing my body, too. Tells me what I already know on the inside.
So thanks again. Thank you, Wen, for your encouragement.
Eric-
You said that you loved drawing and plants.
How about drawing plants.
* Try it
*If you can’t do it-go directly to Barbara’s emails and follow those instructions.
Let us know what happens.
Wen,
The drawing of plants is not doing much at this moment (feels like I m am drawing b/c nothing else to do)
Doing what you love feels good, has meaning, you have the energy (tired), but still feel good after the day is over. A doctor does not love to go at night to the hospital for an emergency, but the meaning behind it ( I am missing that also – meaning (essence))
Barbara Sher mentions talking it to the Nth degree. I remember feeling great from putting upon the department wall baby angels for a symbol of remembrance the week after the CT school shootings occurred (the reaction was (aww, etc ) after I showed others.
The nth degree? I am lost on how to take the above further. I do feel a void as Barbara Sher mentions on not using your gifts to contribute to the world
Brabars
Wen,
Brabars? that’s a typo
Eric-
How about trying the anger and hurt work that Barbara mentions.
What about the Silent Scream?
Re: Passion-I agree with Barbara. That is why I do work that I love-2-3 days per week in the outside world. Then-I find I need to balance all that with calm and contentment -the zoo and my inner world.
That has more to do with gratitude for what I have right now. If I don’t do this-I find that the high of a great passion could become a little demonic for me. I don’t want to be controlled by it.
I need more balance in my life than that.
Wen,
that really sounds balanced and beautiful to me. Passion and doing what you love in the outside world Calm and contentment of the inner world.
I loved your description of the year of journeys to/with your inner child. How you built that direct path to her. Hmm. Thank you for sharing this special journey with us.
Barbara-Re: Silent Scream technique.
I want to try that the next time I need it. Oh-that will probably be within the next 10 minutes!
Can’t wait to try it out.