Hi All.
It’s Wednesday and the beginning of some new stuff:
Now we shift in Hanging Out, but just a little. We started out your Identity Exercises by focusing on senses and feelings, avoiding completely the pressure we all feel regarding achievement . You might call that the ‘Waking Up’ element in Hanging Out with Barbara Sher.
Then you took a look at your own history, or ‘Who You Are.’ (Well, you played a bit with the notion that there were lots of options about who you might have been; just loosened up your thinking about who you became. (With the Lying Game Family.)
We won’t let go of either the Waking Up or Who You Are elements. They’ll be showing up for the whole year, because you must always be reminded that, first before all, you are alive, and one of a kind.
Now I’d like to start looking at stories about some people who used interesting ways to get what they wanted. This is what I call ‘The Reality Series,’ because, when it comes to systems (like Hanging Out with me) that claim they’ll help you design a great life, talk is cheap.
The question to ask is this: Did anyone real Hang Out with me (or my work) and actually achieve a good life as a result?
They did, and they wrote me letters. (Thousands of them!) You’ll be seeing one or two from time to time.
Today’s letter is the first. It’s about someone who read one of my books or came to one of my workshops and decided to stop waiting for credentials or training. Instead, she just started where she was.
It’s fun to read. The letters I get are always full of feeling and often, fun. In addition, I’m hoping her description of how she got the work she loved will give you some ideas you can use. I’ve given you an exercise so you can really give her method some thought. Try it out.
So, here’s today’s Identity Exercise. It’s in two parts:
First, read this letter I got recently.
Then write the same letter, but replace it with something you’d like to do. Don’t worry about how it turns out and don’t demand that the result is your ‘dream job.’ In fact, write as many of these letters as you like. Their purpose is only to see what new kind of thinking you come up with:
Hi Barbara
I decided to take your advice and started doing my dream job informally, without pay.
Just for fun, I started a program at my kids’ school that focused on the talents of the mothers. Once a month, a mom would share her unique talent with the other mothers. It allowed the moms to see what others did in their “spare time” and helped them see the many possible careers there were available to stay-at-home Moms. I was absolutely floored by all the talented women! Many wanted to work part-time, but were unsure of how to start, or afraid to take the plunge. Some of the women came to me and asked me if I would teach them how to get started.
So I taught an informal class on how to work from home. This evolved into a class at our University. From there, doors just seemed to open up! It has been very exciting and fulfilling! I now get to use my analytical skills (strategic planning) with a group (primarily stay-at-home Moms) that I relate to. I have individual clients who need help figuring out how to work from home, as well as businesses who would like to help their company and employees benefit from “working-from-home” arrangements. I get to travel to conduct seminars, but most importantly, I get to work from home too!
KJ, Des Moines, IA
Now, pretend the same thing happened to you and rewrite her letter, but replace her words with something that interests you. Try to write fast, without thinking too much. See where the story takes you. (You can do this exercise a number of times, using a different story each time.)
For example:
Just for fun, I started a program at my local community center / hospital day room / office in the lunchroom / church / film dept of a local college that focused on the talents / hobbies / dreams / math skills of the members / visitors / co-workers / parents of school kids / film students, etc.
See what you come up with.
Can’t wait to see your comments.
I tried this twice, and both time, the odds of accomplishing them seemed like the odds of winning the lottery. The $200 megaball version. The one on developing a new special type of plant ran into the odds of nature, and the other got hung up on unions not allowing volunteers. I may have a way around the union one, but it seems that any plan that hinges on whether others are interested, runs a high risk of hearing “no thank you” a lot. Except for those few times when everything falls into place, while the rest are banking our heads on walls. I hope that’s realistic as opposed to cynical. Normally, I’m good at finding ways around roadblocks, but have trouble identifying the difference between a roadblock to be moved, and a sign advising you to not go down that road.
Lisa, I understand what you’re saying. I have all these ideas, but the first hint of no interest makes me start to question my idea.
What I’ve learned from Barbara and others is that, for some ideas, it takes time for other people to see the value to them, so if you can find a way to take pleasure in doing it for yourself, first, people may take notice of your skill and passion and then ask you to help them. Starting from a blind position really is difficult (like cold calling); no one’s heard of you, no one’s heard about what you’re offering or what the benefits are to them, no one knows if what you’re offering is effective, and so on. You’re working against a lot of objections right off.
Some ideas need to simmer in people’s minds a bit before they accept it or think they need it.
Not knowing what your idea is, I can’t give specific suggestions, but is your service something you can get some attention for in other realm?
I’m getting a blank, lot of things I do feels close to ‘sitting and watching tv. clicking the channel’
Now, this is _very_ interesting. I just started writing about creating a meet-up for “emotional eaters” and how I would love to meet such a group regularly and motivate them and make them think (and feel) differently about how they eat and so on. In fact I am not really sure if I would love it so much but at least parts of it I believe… and you know what? I want to find out so I will try. And I know how.
Last year I gave a talk in front of 5 people about my way out of binge-eating-disorder (a huge breakthrough for me, result of Barbara’s workshop). I just could write the same people and invite them to meet me again! I feel a bit stupid because I didn’t come to the idea of doing a follow-up to my talk before but anyway: rather late than never. Oh boy, my partner is going to kill me! 😀
“Oh boy, my partner is going to kill me! :D”
lol. Therein lies a tale…
I think it’s a great idea! I want to hear what happens. Or if there’s anything we can do to help.
Thank you for the encouragement! That’s very helpful already. I just sent an email with the offer, Let’s see if they are interested. I am so excited!
p.s.: My partner, as usual, did not kill me when he heard the idea: puh! I guess he loves me although… errrr, _because_ I am a scanner and in a sense he is relieved when I propose to do something about a topic I am always talking about.
p.s.2: For some reason I still only get notifications for some comments. I casually looked here and found this one! I have already put the adress in the whitelist so that there are no comments in the spam folder anympre.
Comment notices are mailed out only to those subscribed to each message. But you have been subscribed to this one since April 28, so our system should have mailed you two new comments already at the same time it mailed them to me. Not sure where yours are getting lost, Maria, but I like your solution of checking back.
Well, I am afraid that the checking back solution is not really doable in the long run. Is there a way to make some test (maybe you can answer per email or I possibly miss the answer)?
I did run a test, Maria. I replied to you on the same message that you missed the earlier comment on. It appears you received the comment. Did you receive this one, too?
The software does not give my comments any special treatment, so it’s probably on your end or a fluke. Watch for my next comment with the same words Barbara used that did not reach you. Let me know what reaches you, please.
“Oh boy, my partner is going to kill me! :D”
lol. Therein lies a tale…
I think it’s a great idea! I want to hear what happens. Or if there’s anything we can do to help.
Hi Barbara,
I love this exercise. I wrote 3 Stories in 5 minutes(I guess I’ll write more later):
1.I decided to take your advice and started doing my dream job informally with out pay.
Just for fun I went to the church community nearby. in the part of town where I live there are a lot of immigrants, so I offered a self-help program for immigrants who are suffering from psychological problems, which includes counselling and training in acu-point-method(which is similar to EFT and so on). The community agreed and I offered my service on a weekly basis for 1 1/2 hours in a room of the community center. After 3 months people would stand in line waiting to get to talk to me and get trained. Soon the local press payed attention and wrote an article about it. A week later all different kinds of institutions started to contact me, asking me about my service. Then university professors and politicians showed up and asked me hold speeches and write a book about it.
2.Just for fun I called up senior residences and asked if I could have 1 1/2 hours a week for seniors who had depressions and the like. The management agreed and then there where so many requests, that I organised a “Cheer-Up”-Group for the seniors, where I would do funny things with them, tell jokes, do laughing-yoga, read funny stories from books, do puppet.theater or watch funny movies (Harold and Maude). After a couple of weeks I had to split the group and later there where 3 groups in the house. The seniors liked the group so much, that they wrote a letter to the management and asked for payment for my work, and if not they would do it. They also informed other senior homes and pretty soon I was asked to give “Cheer-Up” -. Groups in other homes.
No3.
Just for fun I went to a new music bar and asked if I could play 1 or 1 1/2 hours on a weekly basis. The manager agreed and let me play on Mondays. Some weeks later he let me play on Tuesday and Thursday and after 4 months he would ket me play on Friday night as an opening program for his main act. When I played the first time as an opener the guys from the main act band, where impressed by my playing and asked me if I would like to play as opener for them at other gigs. After another 4 months I was allowed to play at a big festival. Pretty soon the band offeres me to record my songs in their studio and that they would back me up if I wanted to.
Even though I have a rough time at the moment, not knowing what the next year will bring, (jobwise)this excercise feels like a great discovery. The first thing I do in the morning is to take a 45 minutes walk with my dog, and I use this time to think about the last dream, talk to myself and other “mindstuff”. Today, after maybe 5 minutes, this exercise came to my mind and there was this big “YES”.
A couple of minutes later all these other can’t, shouldn’t, won’t, mustn’t thoughts appeared, telling me that the ideas wont work but what was really new was that it didn’t feel like pulling me down. There was this thougth,,”Come on”, why dont give it a try” .Its just a new perspective.
Hey Frank,
I have been following your conversations here and I would like to hear at least one of your songs. It takes so log to find information here among the comments… could you please post a link for me?
Hi Maria,
I figured out a simple way to post my songs.
The Web-Service is called “Picosong” where you can upload your songs and get a tiny URL for it. It also has a Comment-Option.
O.K.I uploaded my first song, which was produced in a studio, I wrote it in 2003.
The URL is: http://picosong.com/CPYB/
Oh, Barbara, this is hard! I am not sure anymore about a dream job. I was thinking I may have to do an ok-job to bring in money and find a hobby. I need to think about this one. My mind goes blank on this one. Yipes! I knew I needed to do something out-of-the-box. I knew it’d probably have to be from home because of some health concerns. I thought about a web chat service for busy Boomers with aging parents. But then I gave up!
You’re taking it too literally, David. This is a game, a fantasy, precisely for people who can’t think up anything matching a dream job. Just follow the instructions at the end and replace the original words with other, simply to job your thinking. Or go to the earlier comments and listen to them so see how others did this.
It isn’t easy to get people to forget hard reality – or what we thing hard reality is. But the best that will get you in an exercise like this one is to be a bird running as fast as you can down a dirt road. I want to see you do some flying. Use fantasy.
Living in Italy sounds like a nice place to be. Thanks for sharing your ideas with us. I have thoughts of going to Florence someday.
Still up making multiple posts. Based on this exercise, for me, I realize that my dream of helping people achieve their dreams is manifesting itself in just participating on “hanging out”. Amazed how in only a few weeks my dream is coming to fruition and I have changed my perception that I hadn’t achieved my dream to I am living my dream with a few setbacks. It’s all how you look at it. Am I on the right track?
You could say it that way, Jim. But I’d check out my feelings. If you feel good about being able to help people reach their dreams here, that’s not a perception, that’s a reality. If someone else wouldn’t count that as a triumph, but you would, you have to ask yourself What does the other person want of me?
I’m glad you’ve come to a better conclusion that your life was not filled with failure, Jim. But I don’t see what’s so wrong with having failures — that doesn’t mean your life is a failure. The truth is, we all fail. All the time. In some circles, it’s called practice. You get it wrong a lot before you get it right.
Maybe the difference is knowing failure is going to happen, accepting it when it happens, and then continuing to move on anyway. I’m not suggesting you enjoy the failures or feel Pollyanna rosy about them, only to accept that you fail like everyone else does. And that doesn’t mean that your life, taken together, is a failure.
Yes, I’ve “failed” at a lot of things, especially finishing schooling. I have a finishing problem. I’m not stupid or incapable. I just…change my priorities all the time, and I can never keep a diploma/degree near the top of the priority list for the amount of time it takes to finish it. I feel pretty down on myself sometimes when I think of all the degrees and diplomas I don’t have because I couldn’t buckle in and focus.
But if I search deep down and ask myself why I couldn’t make those things priorities, even when I was spending so much time, money, and energy on them, I know that I’m okay with it. The reasons I feel like a failure are really outside of me. Society puts a lot of emphasis on finishing and on credentials. We confer a lot of trust in someone’s abilities and knowledge through a credential. Without one, no one thinks you know what you’re talking about. We are bombarded with messages about how successful people “finish what they start.” It starts to sound like a moral principle, and if you don’t finish what you start, you lack moral fibre.
Well, that’s an external opinion and not my own. When I think of myself the way others would look at me, yup, I feel like a failure. But because I know myself better than anyone, have I actually learned a lot through all my schooling? Yup. Does that knowledge and understanding show up in other things I do in life? Yup. Do I continue to explore new areas of learning whenever I want to? Yup. If I’d actually gotten a degree in archaeology, would I be an archaeologist today? Nope. Did I actually want to be a yoga teacher? Nope. Have the lack of credentials made my life worse? Hard to tell, so why even worry about it?
So, yes I failed, and I failed a lot, and I will continue to fail in the future. Am I okay with that? Well, I never start out with the intention to fail, so no, not really. But does failing frequently (and failing big) mean that my life is a failure? No! Not a bit! I’m actually doing a lot of what I want to do and makes me happy every day.
I heartily support you, Jim! No matter what setbacks you’ve had, I think you’re right on track!
I am up real early and taking advantage of writing a lot of posts on this exercise.
Barbara has helped me a lot this week in a reply to someone else who wrote about the difficulty in getting paid for what you love to do. A struggle that I have had since I retired. Wanting to start a business called Dream Inc. (helping people achieve their dreams). As usual, Barbara was direct and to the point. Don’t combine the two things. Don’t stress yourself out trying to do both at once. Make money in an endeavor that is good enough and then do what you love for free. Brilliant, Barbara. This has made life better for me. Her “hanging out with Barbara” idea is also brilliant. She has essentially created over the years many “mini Barbara’s” and now afforded us the chance on her website to help ourselves and others. Isn’t that what we want to do?
Good point!! I wonder if we are all mini Barbaras? I would be honoured as I certainly do want to help the world. Or perhaps that is just what being human means?? My desire is very strong. Maybe that is why my good enough jobis customer service. Anyway I love your comments Jim.
I am just trying to get up with my emails, but thanks Emma for the response. It always make me feel better when someone does comment on something I write.
Sincerely, Jim
Most welcome. I must have commented on/subscribed to a lot of posts so I have seen many of your comments. As a fellow scanner I totally relate and before coming across Barbara I felt like a total failure, blessed with potential but not using it. Now am I finding fun ways to allow myself to use my energy and talents that brings me great happiness. Will I get paid eventually for it, who knows? I am living for each moment of exuberance and appreciating them as they come.
Well, you made *my* day better with this comment. 🙂
I am going to try writing this exercise again because as sometimes happens when I get up in bed at 3:30 am I mess up and hit a button and my words fly away.
I was saying:
In 1985 I read your book Wishcraft and it has made a tremendous difference in my life. In some cases, after that reading, I did some things different and I realized that in some ways I was already living the dream. Just these 2 things alone were worth the price of the book ten fold. More to the point I felt that Barbara had made a difference in my life. I felt grateful and beholding to her. In fact at the time I wanted to go to one of her seminars but at the time she was in the New York area and that seemed a world away from me in Hawaii. I do regret not following my dream of starting a “business” called Dream Inc. (helping people achieve their dreams). I wanted to start doing that business because it would help others and by doing so I would help myself be able to understand better how to achieve my dream. Well duh, I went on for the next 30 years and had the idea of Dream Inc. and did a job as Barbara has said that was “good enough”. In some ways, I thought I was a failure. Recently, while being on “Hanging out with Barbara” a friend of mine mentioned he has never thought of himself as a failure. I thought “B.S.”, how could that be. He told me that sure he has had setbacks in his life but never looked at himself as a failure. What’s the difference between him and me. Only the way we each look at things.
Well, to wrap up this exercise and then, maybe go back to sleep I will say that Barbara has delivered again on my investment in “Hanging out”.
A little trick I am trying is to reply to my own post. You may ask why would I do that? Well, for fun and not to keep typing into a post that I have lost half way into it.
Furthermore, I think that a big part of the exercises, like a “blank book”, are to write things down. Therefore, I write and I will print and tape this in my blank book that my friend Jon (the one that said he had never felt like a failure only a person that had setbacks) gave me, with the stipulation, that I had to use it. What a blessing. I now have my blank book given to me by a friend and I no longer will think of myself as having failed but just experienced setbacks. Thank God for friends like him. J.C.
There does seem to be only a few posts; however, this exercise requires a bit more thought and reflection. Maybe that is the reason there are not a lot of posts. I am lately, replying to my own post. Just for fun. I noticed someone else did it.
My friend John gave me a hardback blank book that I’ve started writing in. I focused on a spiritual path on my book. I have a section in the back where I put down coincidences. I think of coincidences as God’s Little miracles. Barbara, I realized that you feel strongly about positive reinforcement as something you should ignore and just do it in spite of positive or negative feelings. Without asking your anything too personal, in other words, if you don’t feel comfortable answering this question I would understand. How do you feel about spirituality?
I’ve known a number of people who realized they had been looking at their lives wrong because they believed that, unless you’re doing what you love as a career, you’ve accomplished nothing. I don’t know where we get that idea – lots of places, I guess – but it’s just wrong. It’s also not evil to kiss your sweetheart, dance all night or wear white after Labor Day. It’s not vanity to be proud of something you’ve built, and it’s not virtuous to be harder on yourself than on other people (it’s condescending, a form of believing in your own superiority to others).
Just a few of the unthought-out judgements that filter into our brains because we have no chance to really examine them, but they ruin lives. I’m glad someone woke you up, Jim, and that you listened.
People are so different from each other. They have different needs so they assemble different belief systems. I don’t discourage or judge believers, as long as they’re not taking away or interrupting the dreams of others. But I’m not one myself. Never have been, even as a child.
Jim, have you ever considered running Success Teams? It’s very inexpensive to buy the self-training kit and it allows you to do what you describe as a long-time wish. (I happen to agree that you’re fulfilling parts of your wish right here, of course 🙂 ) But take a look, anyway. Go to http://www.shersuccessteams.com and read about it.
Babara,
these postings have become my scanners day book. As I read these postings and see where I came from in just less than 6 months. Barbara, it is amazing Here I am in Frankfurt Germany and tomorrow I am going to visit Alexandra, a fellow coach and another over the New Year and another, etc. I will probably be able to visit over half the coaches by the 23 January 2015 get together I am planning in my favorite Italian restaurant in Frankfurt , L’Angolo’s from 6 pm to 9 pm the night before our next coaches training. I am having the best time of my life. Jim
Chandlertq@aol.com
Where did all the comments for this exercise go? Is there a “cleaning out” date for comments?
No cleaning out date. Click on “Older Comments” above or below the displayed ones to see the rest.
I did the exercise a few months ago, when I considered becoming a Success Team Leader. Then one of my Italian friends told me that the idea of paying for being a member in a Success Team with scheduled meetings might not work in the part of Tuscany where I live. Probably she was right, as I myself would be reluctant to pay for something that can also be taken care of by the whole community, or in smaller groups.
So I’ll try again:
Just for fun I started an International Friends Group in the Serchio Valley, with an informal meeting point in a coffee shop twice a week, where people can meet each other and also leave messages on the bulletin board. The idea of the group is to exchange ideas, services, stuff we no longer need or are looking for, language skills (tandem), organize trips and social meetings. Our main activities are IRL, with people we really have met and know what they look like, but can obviously be supported by a website and a blog, or a page on Facebook.
I thought I answered this, because I think your idea of this kind of meetup group is inspired. I think it’s a great idea.
You have to take the culture into account, that’s always true.
Thanks for this. Most enlightening.