When you hear the clock ticking but you just can’t get into action, what’s the reason?
- You fear critics. You feel watched, so you’re trying to be perfect. Whatever you do never seems good enough, so you drop it and try something else, but you feel like you’re wasting precious time.
- You’ve created a "See, it’s impossible!" list. Your list of what you want to do has everything on it but "eat breakfast" and "scratch my head." It covers many pages and proves that you’ll never get to do what you really want.
- You’ve inadvertently made the project too big. You’ve assumed you’ll need a business plan and two Ph.D.’s, to say nothing of a huge loan from the bank and 36 hours a day to do all the marketing, selling, bookkeeping, production, publishing, and wall-painting that will be necessary—all of which you’ll have to do on your own.
- You don’t feel entitled to just do whatever you want. You think you don’t have the right to do what makes you happy. You should be thinking of other people, not just yourself.
- You think you’re the problem. You don’t have what it takes or you’re not really trying. Or something.
- You’re pulled in too many directions. It’s impossible to decide which one to take. You’re desperately searching for a sign that will at least tell you which one to start with.
If you’re nodding your head as you read that list, you’ve been feeding your sense of panic like dry timber feeds a fire. Let’s see if we can get rid of those obstacles one by one and get you into action.
If you’re anything like me (Tammy), you read that list and said, "Oh, yeah!" a few times. And then you kept reading, because Barbara did not make this an exercise. So I am making it an exercise. I am asking you to give this chapter the "slow reading" Barbara called for. I want you to take a serious look at this list of top obstacles, because they are not obstacles to doing everything you love—they are obstacles to getting started on doing everything you love.
Which one (or two or more) of these is in your way? What is the remedy with the matching number in Refuse to Choose? And what are you going to do about it? Put your answers in your Daybook. Share them here, in a new comment, if you feel comfortable doing so. But whether or not you share them, tell us the effect on you of identifying and actually writing down what you will do about your greatest obstacle(s).
Then read the rest of the comments and see if you would like to reply to any of them, whether to learn something more or to help a fellow Scanner on his or her journey.
Please be sure to subscribe to future comments on this exercise or to check back here on Wednesday evening or Thursday morning for new ones. If there are a lot of comments by then, look for an Older Comments link to see any that do not fit on this page.
Use the Next link (up above the title) to continue on to Exercise 2: The Wall Calendar Poster after you are done with your comments.
I relate to all of the above, but mostly to “You’ve inadvertently made the project too big”. I, as we all do, have so many ideas constantly circling in my mind, yet do I ever accomplish any of them?? For example, I have said “Learn/Speak Fluent Spanish” on my New Years buck list for over 10 years. I have been around Spanish-speaking people for even longer, yet I judge myself SO hard that if I don’t know exactly what I am doing, I can’t speak it. Or if someone starts to speak to me quickly, I get overwhelmed and think I’m dumb and give up. After a decade, I should have been able to accomplish this!! I find myself making things way harder in my mind than they are or have to be, so never accomplish them.
The idea of action is currently my hesitation/fear.
In the past and probably currently, I believe the source of my “fear” or inner conflict is me. I am my biggest critic. As Barbara has shared, Scanners are intelligent. In the past, I was really bad at having patience for those who didn’t “get it” or the like. I have learned to be better at this, but it is still there.
My critical voice has been saying for years, “Why can’t you find something and stick to it?” and all the other questions mentioned in the book about Divers vs. Scanners. I have envied Divers in the past, but now I am working on admiring them for who they are, knowing I don’t have to function like that. It is okay that I am a Scanner, and I don’t have to be perfect at that either!
I’m the prefectionist character that gets so locked in perfectionism that I can’t move forward on anything that truly matters to me.
That’s tough Zibby, and you are not alone 🙂
I’m certainly in the ‘not entitled’ category, closely followed by ‘being pulled in too many directions’. So basically, inertia wrestling with a flurry of activity. No wonder I feel exhausted and depleted so much of the time! This was a great insight. I really need to delve into the ‘not entitled’ issue a bit more. Being the daughter of post WW2 migrants, there was a huge survivalist push in our household and community, and a push to better ourselves. It could be a big part of it.
Survival mode is a great skill when needed but my my own family imprinted me with scarcity living and thinking, being suspicious of success and holding on to everything. I continue to work on updating these files to what’s true today✨
Those are very insightful observations. It’s great that you can see them so clearly. Good luck with your work. They’re tough messages to de-program!
A little late to the comment section…
My top obstacle is that I don’t feel entitled to do whatever I want. In theory, yes, I can, but it’s more complicated than that. Time is not elastic, and I have a very real responsibility to contribute to the family. The likelihood of doing exactly what I want and paying the bills is usually low.
I have been fortunate enough to get paid for doing what I love (video game development). However, that has not been the standard, but the exception in my career.
So, for me, the obstacle is really about time. How do I do what I want and make a decent living?
Hi Mark! Happy to see you here 🙂 thank you for sharing.
I think my two biggest obstacles are: not feeling I deserve or am entitled to do whatever I want and thinking I’m the problem. I recall vividly having a huge fight with my parents as an early adolescent. I had dreams (of course I did!) and my parents, who grew up during the depression, told me: “You will have to work at something you don’t like.” My mother had wanted to be an artist and my father had wanted to be a musician. Both gave up these dreams for “practical” reasons, although my father did find work he loved. I was crushed by this argument, which is why I remember it many decades later. I have carried the “lack of permission” with me throughout my life and held myself back because of it.
I think my two biggest obstacles are: not feeling I deserve or am entitled to do whatever I want and thinking I’m the problem. I recall vividly having a huge fight with my parents as an early adolescent. I had dreams (of course I did!) and my parents, who grew up during the depression, told me: “You will have to work at something you don’t like.” My mother had wanted to be an artist and my father had wanted to be a musician. Both gave up these dreams for “practical” reasons, although my father did find work he loved. I was crushed by this argument, which is why I remember it many decades later. I have carried the “lack of permission” with me throughout my life and held myself back because of it.
As far as “me being the problem,” I discovered as an adult that I am autistic. I have spent my life thinking that I was defective in some way, that there was something everyone else knew that I hadn’t a clue about. Now I understand what was going on and why I felt this way, but it requires a lot of work to “rewrite my autobiography” with understanding of my neurotype.
Hi Abby! Those early memories are so Potent, especially when there’s a lot of motion. I hope you can give yourself permission and maybe even write a authentic permission slip 🙂 Permission granted!
I understand that survivalist push. It makes total sense, given what our parents went through, but we have a window of opportunity living in relatively peaceful and prosperous times. It’s hard to make that mental and emotional switch.
I find that so true Christine! Often thinking about what I need to let go of….put down that’s no longer mine to carry , or no longer relevant and in what I want to invite more of.
#1 was the biggest realization for me in my life. I’ve always rebelled against my parents, which created a “damned-if-I-do; damned-if-I-don’t” mentality since I was younger. I don’t respect any boss or supposed “superior” if they can’t manage themselves. Yet, I spent two decades not pursing most of my hobbies or living life on my terms. Why? Whose approval did I need? It’s a very weird dichotomy I put myself into. I don’t really care who watches, because I don’t like most people. So why do I need approval or permission? Why do I need to explain my actions. That’s where this chapter left me. Good meditation questions.
I agree J! I am curious if there was a way that that behavior served you when you were younger? I find it can be really helpful to figure out what the payoff is for us with our behavior even when it’s stuff we wouldn’t choose to do now. I had habits when I was a kid to get along with my family of origin that didn’t work so well for me as a I had habits when I was a kid to get along with my family of origin that didn’t work so well for me as an adult. I didn’t even recognize it until someone asked meSometimes the files just need updated, lol.
That’s interessting. You mentioned: “I don’t respect any boss or supposed “superior”. I feel the same. Is that maybe another characteristic of Scanner?
I wonder if other Scanner feel the same?
I also have always felt off with my boss/superiors. I find them to be unprofessional and they rub me the wrong way. I sometimes think, is it me?? There is no way ALL of them are that bad? Yet I find myself to continue putting myself under management that put me down and actually cause me a lot of stress, where I feel most people don’t care the way we do.
Of the six obstacles, inadvertently making it too big and seeing myself as the problem feel like my main obstacles. If feel like those two are assisted by the feeling that I’m being pulled in too many directions.
I definitely have a habit of getting immersed in envisioning a grandiose end and letting that vision paralyze me so that I sometimes fail to even begin something I feel passionate about. When I realize I’ve done this (again!), I see myself as the cause of it (I.e. there’s something wrong with me . . . Others don’t have this problem, Houston me.)
Yes
I have an impossible list from which nothing can be removed and have an ok life
I see others, e.g., my wife, seeming to live a functional life and I can only conclude I’m unable to put it all together
I don’t recall feeling this way before marriage
Or at least I was less bothered by the unfinished
I probably have an underlying belief that the unfinished stands in the way of a better feeling marriage
Sometimes I let myself get sucked into the blame and shame cycle over similar things to white both you and Art mentioned! I’m much better at noticing it now and not staying there so long, lol, but it is a slippery slope when we may be used to blaming ourselves or always thinking we could’ve done something better
I am really sorry to hear that you’re going through this, Nate. Perhaps it would be worth exploring why you’re comparing yourself to your spouse. Have you compared yourself to others in the past? If not, why do you think you’re doing it now?
When you say “functional life” what do you mean? What is an OK life? I’d like to hear more.
Hi Abby. I’ve definitely compared myself to others in the past. I’ve come to think of it as a natural tendency, but also an opportunity to notice when it’s happening. I think it brings up some interesting questions like what would happen if we lived differently and would that be ok.
I don’t know if it’s a Scanner thing, but I have ideas on how I think I want life to be and I don’t seem to be able to create that reality. The only opportunity I can find is in letting go, appreciating the life that’s found me, and taking action where I find the energy. Or is that a problem to accept less and not address a condition that’s holding me back? I can find some truth and inspriation in both acceptance and challenge.