Here’s a very easy exercise for you; all you need to do is read the following section and notice your reaction.
First, think about all your maintenance and social obligations, and find the ones that don’t give you enormous pleasure every time. Now imagine you make announcements to all the people concerned — not apologetically, just blurting it out any old way — that you’re going to stop doing all of them.
“I don’t think I’ll do any more ironing. Maybe I’ll take up piano instead.”
“I’d really like to help buy fences for the garden, Rick, but I think I’ll use the money to go to Mongolia. I understand they’re having a full eclipse there in the spring. Save your money, and you can come too, if you like.”
“Gee, it’s no fun for me to loan you my car. I’m sure you can understand.”
If you really did it, you’d definitely get their attention. You might surprise them so much they’ll be too stunned to respond. You could call it a preemptive strike. Picture this.
You calmly tell everyone that you’ve decided to stop all the dinners and parties and gift giving. “You know, it’s just so time-consuming.”
You’re very serene about the whole thing because no one takes a shouter seriously. (If you ever want to startle anyone, say something outrageous in a calm, friendly voice.)
Now imagine you’ve moved it to the next level. You’re talking with friends and you say, “Oh, thanks for the invitation, but I only go to weddings.”
Or, “I never send thank-you notes anymore. I never really enjoyed doing that.”
Or, “Mercy, I had no idea I was this opinionated.”
Or, “Oh, I’m such a grouch you should just expect bad behavior from me.”
And if anyone gasps, “You can’t just do that!” you can always agree enthusiastically by saying, “I know. Since I turned forty, I just do any old thing. I’m really bad news.”
That’s the fantasy. Now, what did you feel?
If you typically have a hard time standing up for yourself, it should have made you laugh, and that’s very good for you. But that laugh also reveals how hard you’ve been working to avoid being called a selfish or thoughtless person. That’s why it should have been an interesting feeling to say something like “I know. I’m really bad news.” Imagine throwing away all that goodness you’ve been clutching. Even fantasizing that kind of release can be a revelation.
It exposes the potential disaster for what it is: nothing. People will disapprove for a while, but you might discover that disapproval doesn’t bother you as much as it used to.
Of course you should always remember that if fixing your home and making Thanksgiving dinners and visiting family and buying gifts give you your greatest pleasure, you are an artist at these things and shouldn’t consider giving them up. But for most people, competitive celebrating and gift giving, like competitive dressing, housekeeping and cooking are for people under forty who still think they’re immortal and have endless time to waste. You know better.
All you have to do is notice your reaction. You can share it with us in a comment and write it in your daybook, notebook or Word document, but this is not required. A simple comment below that you did the exercise will do. Feel free to read what everyone else has to say. Reply if it interests you. A much more challenging exercise awaits you next.
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Use the Next link (up above the title) to continue on to Exercise 21: Two-Week Unannounced Strike In Goods And Services after you are done adding your comments.